I have suffered from mental health problems I think since i was a wee boy.I don't know exactly what triggered it.Maybe it was in my genes,maybe it was a traumatic event.I had a wee brother called Robert,he died in his cot.I think it may have been probable that I heard what was going on in my mum and dads bedroom through the wall.Whatever happened I was always a strange kid.When I went to my primary school I hadn't been to Nursery.There were all these kids playing with sand, playing shops,and houses,aand I just stood in the middle of the classroom not knowing what to do.I was reliefed when sums and reading started.I could read but couldn't count.
In the playground I was one of the kids who was picked last for the footie,mainly because I hardly opened my mouth.In winter I just stood in a corner wishing it was all over, whilst the other kids made slides.
My first and second year passed without much incident,I got into the usual pecking order fights,my mum and dad would go to the parents evening and some teachers had a job placing me.They were told'he's extermly quiet,he lacks self confidence'.
4th year changed all that,Punk rock happened,I had found something that said it was ok to be weird.I made friends with other outsiders.I was getting in trouble.I had heard of Anarchism,I thought the system sucked;,that suited my outlook.I did fair to middleing at school,got some highers and a reputation for confrontation,non conformist.I was asked By one teacher what I was going to do once I left school?,I said 'I'll probably end up cleaning streets'.How prophetic was that?
I left school with three highers, but not good enought to get into uni,so the idea was to go to Stevenson,get further grades and then apply for Robert Gordon's.I spent the whole year skiving and dicovered hash.I left, spent three years on the dole and then got a job with the council cleaning streets.
In the mean time I discovered I was either gay/or bi.I absolutely hated the council and I numbed it all with hash and drink,and I saw my doctor who said'you're obviously suffering from low self esteem'and i was put on Peroxetine.
To cut a long story short,I spent the next few years either on the dole, on a YOP scheme or getting another course.I was a Care assistant and I was suffering panic attacks,anxiety and eventually full blown psychosis.
In 2004 I ended up in the Royal Ed having lost complete grip of reality.I spent about 6 months there,the first two weeks with my door open and a worker sitting outside incase I tried to finish it.
For anyone who hasn't experienced it,being on a locked ward being out of your mind was one of the worst experiences of my life,although just like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest there was also moments of humour.
I was also put on Lagactil whilst I was there.It was then dropped in favour of Risperidone which I am still on.It took about 4 years to get back to 'normal' with another relapse over the Christmas of 2010,which lasted until, the February.
I have had a lot of support from my friends and family and dare I say it the Bounce.Hibs and the Hibs family are what keeps me sane-if a little weird.But I keep taking the Risperidone as a safety net,and just as importantly I gave up the hash.So sorry if this a bit long,but I wanted to share this with you.
