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The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
 
Old gentleman goes to his doctor.
Doctor I’m afraid my good lady wife may be going deaf but she is very stubborn and I don’t think she’ll come in for a consultation. Is there anything I can do.
Doctor tells him a simple test to carry out at home.
Wait till she has her back to you and in a normal conversational voice ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond move a little closer and repeat the question if again no response keep repeating the process until she replies thus you’ll be able to gauge the level of deafness.
Gent thanks doctor and goes home. That evening he’s sitting in the lounge he sees his wife with her back to him through the kitchen preparing dinner. Perfect.
My darling. What’s for dinner?
No reply. He shuffles out of his chair and moves closer.
Darling what’s for dinner?
No reply.
Again he moves closer again no answer.
On the 5th attempt he is standing directly behind his wife and fearing she is deaf asks
My love what’s for dinner?
His wife turns round and shouts
For the 5th time you deaf old codger....Fucking CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!
 
Fernando said:
The boredom of self isolation. Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle , and hold a naked flame at the base eventually it gets sucked inside... If you did know this , and you know how to get it out, please message me .....urgently ???
Click to expand...
Choried ?
 
Fernando said:
The boredom of self isolation. Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle , and hold a naked flame at the base eventually it gets sucked inside... If you did know this , and you know how to get it out, please message me .....urgently ???
Click to expand...
Open the freezer door and sit in front of it for about 15minutes (apply frozen peas to speed up the process) if like most men you’re genitalia shrink in cold weather you can yank it out (place something substantial between your teeth,this may smart a little).
In current climate please dispose of bottle responsibly and remember and wash your hands with soap and warm water whilst singing happy fucking birthday.
On no account go to A&E as even people with vacuum cleaners attached to them are staying at home.
This advice may work or it could end badly and I accept no responsibility either way you’re up shit creek. I just hope it’s not a bottle of Corona!?
Good luck.
 
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Audi

Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter
 
CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED ON THIS SITE. WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A VERY ELDERLY WOMAN, SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATE MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NUDE PICTURES OF HERSELF IN VERY NASTY POSES, ALONG WITH CLOSE UP PICTURES OF HER IN HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH IT. IT RUNS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON. THANK YOU!
 
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!
 
What is wrong with people?
So I just went to the shop this morning for some needed rolls and milk. Whilst I’m standing looking in the fridge, this absolute muppet comes up behind me and starts TAPPING on my shoulder ignoring all social distancing rules, I obviously tried to ignore him (my blood was boiling though). The fool just keeps tapping and tapping and then...
THIS is where it gets interesting!!
So the idiot kept tapping .... See More
 
bigmanandy said:
What is wrong with people?
So I just went to the shop this morning for some needed rolls and milk. Whilst I’m standing looking in the fridge, this absolute muppet comes up behind me and starts TAPPING on my shoulder ignoring all social distancing rules, I obviously tried to ignore him (my blood was boiling though). The fool just keeps tapping and tapping and then...
THIS is where it gets interesting!!
So the idiot kept tapping .... See More
Click to expand...

That's a good one
 
What are China nae good at cricket?
Because they eat aw the fuckin bats .
 
bigmanandy said:
What is wrong with people?
So I just went to the shop this morning for some needed rolls and milk. Whilst I’m standing looking in the fridge, this absolute muppet comes up behind me and starts TAPPING on my shoulder ignoring all social distancing rules, I obviously tried to ignore him (my blood was boiling though). The fool just keeps tapping and tapping and then...
THIS is where it gets interesting!!
So the idiot kept tapping .... See More
Click to expand...
Choried ?
 
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

........

Archie and Jock are discussing Jocks wedding. "Jock says its all going well i've got everything organised, I even bought a kilt to be married in." Archie says "that's good, what's the tarten?" Jock says "I imagine she'll be in white.
 
Don't know if this is a joke or should be in one of the serious virus threads.

People keep asking me if this covid 19 stuff is serious.

Well the churches are all closed and the casinos are all closed.

If Heaven and Hell agree it's serious enough to be closed, it's fucking serious!
 
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PADDY

Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.
 
My Uncle always tells me "if it wasn't for the likes of me fighting in the war, we would all be speaking German now", which always confused me as he was in the IRA.
 
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