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The All New Joke Thread

hibbybilly

radge grandad radge
Bounce Radge
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
 

HaarlemShuffler

Coffee Shop Radge
Bounce Radge

Green juventine

Bounce Radge
Old gentleman goes to his doctor.
Doctor I’m afraid my good lady wife may be going deaf but she is very stubborn and I don’t think she’ll come in for a consultation. Is there anything I can do.
Doctor tells him a simple test to carry out at home.
Wait till she has her back to you and in a normal conversational voice ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond move a little closer and repeat the question if again no response keep repeating the process until she replies thus you’ll be able to gauge the level of deafness.
Gent thanks doctor and goes home. That evening he’s sitting in the lounge he sees his wife with her back to him through the kitchen preparing dinner. Perfect.
My darling. What’s for dinner?
No reply. He shuffles out of his chair and moves closer.
Darling what’s for dinner?
No reply.
Again he moves closer again no answer.
On the 5th attempt he is standing directly behind his wife and fearing she is deaf asks
My love what’s for dinner?
His wife turns round and shouts
For the 5th time you deaf old codger....Fucking CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!
 

hibbybilly

radge grandad radge
Bounce Radge
“I’ve got a Ferrari” “I once played for Real Madrid” “I used to date Kylie Minogue” “I was a stuntman on a James Bond film”... Sorry, I was just having a Sunday morning lie-in...
 

Fernando

Bounce Radge
The boredom of self isolation. Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle , and hold a naked flame at the base eventually it gets sucked inside... If you did know this , and you know how to get it out, please message me .....urgently 😳😳😳
 

hibbybilly

radge grandad radge
Bounce Radge
The boredom of self isolation. Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle , and hold a naked flame at the base eventually it gets sucked inside... If you did know this , and you know how to get it out, please message me .....urgently 😳😳😳
Choried 😂
 

Green juventine

Bounce Radge
The boredom of self isolation. Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle , and hold a naked flame at the base eventually it gets sucked inside... If you did know this , and you know how to get it out, please message me .....urgently 😳😳😳
Open the freezer door and sit in front of it for about 15minutes (apply frozen peas to speed up the process) if like most men you’re genitalia shrink in cold weather you can yank it out (place something substantial between your teeth,this may smart a little).
In current climate please dispose of bottle responsibly and remember and wash your hands with soap and warm water whilst singing happy fucking birthday.
On no account go to A&E as even people with vacuum cleaners attached to them are staying at home.
This advice may work or it could end badly and I accept no responsibility either way you’re up shit creek. I just hope it’s not a bottle of Corona!😷
Good luck.
 

hibbybilly

radge grandad radge
Bounce Radge
Someone told me if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea. I got 6 years for armed robbery...
 

hibbybilly

radge grandad radge
Bounce Radge
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Audi

Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter
 
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