The All New Joke Thread

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***checks Volume 1 of Billys' joke book before hitting "post reply"

Turn The Page GIF by U.S. National Archives
 
Was raging last night after the Derby, so decided to go out on the town. I got really pissed and ended up going home with a Japanese porn star.
All in all, it was amazing, but the good parts remain blurry.



:tumbleweed:
 
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the females' skirt. To his delight, he realises she is going commando.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "are you looking at my bits?"
"Yes, I'm sorry he replies", trying to avert his eyes.
"Its quite alright" the women replies, " it's very talented!"
"Watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough, the fanny blows him a kiss.
The man cant believe it and inquires, "what else does the wonder fanny do?"
"I can also make it wink" says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the fanny winks at him!
"Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick two fingers in it?"
Shocked, the man replies, "can it whistle as well?"



:tumbleweed:
"
 
A similar joke to this might already be here. It might have been posted by me 😆

Gillette have started production of German sausages but they're not selling particularly well. Maybe it's the slogan.

The wurst a man can get!
 
Jack said:
A similar joke to this might already be here. It might have been posted by me 😆

Gillette have started production of German sausages but they're not selling particularly well. Maybe it's the slogan.

The wurst a man can get!
Click to expand...
The annoying wee nyaff eating them was the wurst brat....
 
A Horse was having a pint with a Donkey...

Horse says "I've won the Derby, Oaks, St Ledger, The Grand National and the Gold Cup"

"That's nothing" says the Donkey, and shows him a picture of a Zebra 🦓 on his phone.

"Who's that?" asks the Horse.

"That's me when I played for Juventus"


:tumbleweed:



(inevitable royalties on the way to @hibbybilly as we speak)
 
GORDONSMITH7 said:
I was on a Scrabble team with Midge Ure.

We had four tiles left but they meant nothing to me.
O, V, N, R.

BIG G
Click to expand...
On holiday at Christmas and we ate in here G. Said tae the missus that Midge Ure owns it. She asked me if I thought he wid be in when we were. It’s murder when yi have tae explain your jokes😁IMG_2003.jpeg
 
hibbybilly said:
On holiday at Christmas and we ate in here G. Said tae the missus that Midge Ure owns it. She asked me if I thought he wid be in when we were. It’s murder when yi have tae explain your jokes😁View attachment 21023
Click to expand...
Snap Billy. I was in the total wee gem of place, sadly no longer on Easter Road up from Albion Road Tinelli's Ristorante in Easter Road, with my missus. I told her casually that, did she know that it belonged to Ant fae Ant and Dec. She said his 'name' a couple of times saying she didnae ken he was Italian. Pissing myself I too had to explain!

BIG G
 
Last edited:
GORDONSMITH7 said:
I was on a Scrabble team with Midge Ure.

We had four tiles left but they meant nothing to me.
O, V, N, R.

BIG G
Click to expand...
Absolutely superb 😄
GORDONSMITH7 said:
Snap Billy. I was in the total wee gem of place, sadly no longer on Easter Road up from Albion Road Tinelli's Ristorante in Easter Road, with my missus. I told her casually that, did she know that it belonged to Ant fae Ant and Dec. She said his 'name' a couple of times saying she didnae ken he was Italian. Pissing myself I too had to explain!

BIG G
Click to expand...
Was that the one at the end of the bridge there? Went there with my maw once, was really good.
 
Not a joke, as such. I know we like to patronise Americans as being a bit thick, but this BAFTA nonsense has certainly peeled them in. This Australian sports commentator has been getting dog-piled by witless Shermans who think there is only one John Davidson in the world. If you have X/Twitter, his timeline of replies is a joy to behold.

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Now THIS is genuinely laugh out loud funny.

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Yi ken when you're sitting on the loo then suddenly you realise that there is no toilet roll so you have to get up and do that ‘waddle’ to get a new roll?...

Well..... I'm nearly at Morrison’s
 
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch...Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Edinburgh because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Edinburgh because the waitresses were attractive.The food and service were good, and the beer selection was excellent.Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Edinburgh because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was goodvalue for money.Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Edinburgh because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Edinburgh because they had never been there before.
 
A man with a stutter was today convicted and sent to jail for life. His victims are worried he wont finish his sentence.
 
A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive.

Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together."

The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last.

If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
 
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