The All New Joke Thread

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What is the difference between Ibrox and Bonnie Blue?
One is absolutely disgusting, an embarrassment to the nation with zero morals or identity, allowing thousands of men weekly to que up for hours to enter a soulless hole in the hopes of getting themselves some praise and attention.
The other is Bonnie Blue.
 
emerald green said:
I once asked a girl out, and she turned me down. Said i had the face like the back end of a boat!

I didn't argue with her, I didn't get upset, but I did give her a very stern look!

:tumbleweed:
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That you pulling all the crackers left after Christmas C? :gigglle:
 
Things we didn't do...
Start the fire.
Shoot the deputy.

Things we did...
Tried to fight it.
Shot the sheriff.
Built this city on rock and roll.

Things we will do...
Survive.
Rock you.

Things we wont do...
Get fooled again.
Back down.
That.
 
emerald green said:
I just got a text from a mate saying that next week he is moving into a house in Greenwich.

I wonder where he is staying in the meantime:think


:tumbleweed:
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My mate told me he needs tae get a potato clock. I said wtf are yi wanting a potato clock for? He said he was starting a new job next week and he starts at 9am so he needs tae get a potato clock.
 
I was once so poor that I thought it would be a good idea to rob a bank.
The problem was that because I was so poor, I failed.
I ended up buying safe cracking equipment that wouldn't break the bank.

:tumbleweed:
 
An overweight time traveller goes to ancient Rome, then realises he's wearing historically inaccurate clothing, so he finds a toga shop, looks around, and doesn't see anything that fits him.

He asks the shopkeeper, "Do you have XL togas"

"Sure" says the shopkeeper, "but why do you want so many?"
 
2 indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital ... one's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka.
 
emerald green said:
I read somewhere that if you're trying to avoid winter weight gain, you can just wear gloves, so it makes it harder to hold the cutlery so you eat less, and the people that do that are into mitten fasting.



:tumbleweed:
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As a fellow into mitten fasting person I thought that was quite funny C. :gigglle:
 
Air Force One crashed in a field in Nebraska.Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized his deputies and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor."Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?""Yup. Sure did," the farmer said, cutting off his motor."Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?""Yup.""Were there any survivors?""Nope. They's all kilt straight out. I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.""Oh my god. President Trump is dead?""Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"
 
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