The All New Joke Thread

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hibbybilly said:
Seeing as we don’t look like having much tae laugh about I thought mibbes dae wi a wee joke tae cheer us up. Gis yer best joke.
Why should you never wear Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fall out.
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I disagree, there's plenty to laugh about. Yeah this virus is deadly serious and has major implications for all of us. But if we don't find time to enjoy ourselves and have a laugh the consequences are serious, very serious! Fuck the miserable bastards!!

My apologies for not having a joke to hand. It's busy!
 
A choon then? Or a wee anecdote, like the time I once asked singer Elkie Brooks if I could guess the name of her dog... She said “OK - but you're a fool if you think its Rover"
 
Sir Shrink said:
"Dad, why did you name my sister Teresa?"

"Well son, your mother loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."

"Wow! That’s pretty cool dad."

"Yes it is Alan."
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Just telt that half an our ago on FB :gigglle:
 
Probably what started all this shit off.
 
There was this guy who was obsessed with tractors. Had pictures of tractors up in the house, toy tractors on shelves, books about tractors, ran a tractor fanatic website... You get the idea. He was so obsessed with them that his wife tells him straight - it's the tractors or me. The guy is so confused he goes for a drive to clear his head and on his travels he drives past a farm with a sign outside "Tractor for Sale". He drives up to the farmhouse and asks the farmer how much. The farmer says £3k but the guy doesn't have enough. "I'll trade it for your car" says the farmer. The guy agrees, swaps his car for the tractor, and drives home. As you can imagine his wife is fucking livid. She sends him packing telling him he is a selfish prick and all-sorts. As he drives away in his tractor the guy realises he's made a terrible mistake, so he drives back to the farm and begs to get his car back. The farmer listens to his sob story and agrees. So, with his car back, the guy drives home to try and reconcile with the missus, but as he pulls into the drive he notices the house is on fire and his wife is trapped upstairs. He leaps out the car and takes a big breath. He breathes in all the smoke, fire and ash and blows them up into the atmosphere putting out the fire in the process. His wife says "That was incredible - how did you do it?!". "Easy" he says "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
 
Maureen says to Walter, "It's aboot time we had the living room decorated again. They've just had theirs done next door, and so, because we have the same type o' hooses, go and ask Rab how much materials it took tae dae theirs." "Aye, right," says Walter, so he goes next door tae ask Rab. Long story, short, Rab says, "It took me forty-two rolls o' wallpaper, a dozen packets o' paste and five gallons o' emulsion and five gallons o' gloss." "Right, thanks very much," says Walter.
So Walter buys a' the stuff and duly decorates the living room. Maureen is really pleased wi' it but says to Walter he must have made a few mistakes because he had a' that material left ower. "Ye better go next door and see Rab and ask him what ye did wrong."
So Walter goes next door and speaks tae Rab. "Ye see a' that material ye telt me tae get fer daein' the livin' room?" "Aye," says Rab. "Well Ah must've heard ye wrong because Ah've goat 16 rolls o' wallpaper left, three packets o' paste an' three gallons o' emulsion an' gloss left ower." "Aye, so have Ah," says Rab.
 
WJC1848 said:
Maureen says to Walter, "It's aboot time we had the living room decorated again. They've just had theirs done next door, and so, because we have the same type o' hooses, go and ask Rab how much materials it took tae dae theirs." "Aye, right," says Walter, so he goes next door tae ask Rab. Long story, short, Rab says, "It took me forty-two rolls o' wallpaper, a dozen packets o' paste and five gallons o' emulsion and five gallons o' gloss." "Right, thanks very much," says Walter.
So Walter buys a' the stuff and duly decorates the living room. Maureen is really pleased wi' it but says to Walter he must have made a few mistakes because he had a' that material left ower. "Ye better go next door and see Rab and ask him what ye did wrong."
So Walter goes next door and speaks tae Rab. "Ye see a' that material ye telt me tae get fer daein' the livin' room?" "Aye," says Rab. "Well Ah must've heard ye wrong because Ah've goat 16 rolls o' wallpaper left, three packets o' paste an' three gallons o' emulsion an' gloss left ower." "Aye, so have Ah," says Rab.
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?
 
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Pope, Nicola Sturgeon and a ten year old school boy.
The plane is about to crash and theres only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’ve to sort out the USA!’ Takes one and jumps
The pope said ‘I need one, I've to sort out the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.
Boris said ‘I’m the smartest man in England.’ He takes one and jumps.
Nicola said to the ten year old "you can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting".
The 10 year old said "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in England took my school bag"
 
Mummy Balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon all slept in the same bed.
One day Daddy balloon decided that baby balloon was getting too big and the bed was overcrowded.He told baby it was time to sleep in his own bed and he reluctantly agreed.
However during the night he got lonely and decided to get back in his parents bed.
He tried but couldn't get in so he untied his mummy's knot let some air out and tried to get in.No luck.
So he untied his daddy's knot let some air out and tried to get in.No luck.
So he untied his own knot, let some air out and tried to get into bed.Success!
Next morning his daddy wakes up and realises baby balloon is in their bed again.
Annoyed, he tells baby balloon ' You've let your mummy down, you've let me down and most of all you've let yourself down! '
 
NI in lockdown Pat and Mick from the falls road sign up for the civil guard both are given a rifle and told to shoot to kill anybody on the street after 6pm its martial law....Pat fires 3 shots at a orangemen kills him stone dead Mick says "Pat "it's only 5.45pm"Pat replies "I know were he lives he would never got home for 6pm
 
Bus pulls up at a bus stop in Glesgie. Driver opens sliding doors to find a married couple arguing like fck. After a minute they’re still arguing. Driver getting pissed off leans across and shouts indignantly “Scuse me but are you two getting oan ?”
Woman replies “Course we’re no,he’s he’s a fuckin prick!”
 
Forzahibs said:
Bit of bad taste here i'm afraid i'm disappointed in you all , I've spent most of the day with my mate who has corona virus and has been on one of the new Dyson ventilators

The good news is he seems to be picking up
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Took me a minute there....
 
A rich American is on a golf holiday in Ireland,he pops into a golf club bar and asks who the best player in the area is.
Ah that'll be our John,I'll give you his number,the American calls John and arranges a game for 9:30 the next day but John warns him he might be half an hour late.
Next day John turns up at exactly 9:30.and thrashes the American,enraged the American asks for a rematch,John agrees and says 9:30 tomorrow but I might be half an hour late.
Next day John turns up on time and beats the american again this time playing left handed.
The American is apoplectic with rage.
What's your game?day one you play right handed,day 2 left handed,you trying to make a fool out of me?
John replies no it's simple if I wake up and me wife is lying on her right I play right handed,if she's on the left i play left handed.No offence meant.
Red in the face the American shouts what if she's lying on her back?.
John replies well then I'll be a half hour late
 
Braehead Cabbage said:
A rich American is on a golf holiday in Ireland,he pops into a golf club bar and asks who the best player in the area is.
Ah that'll be our John,I'll give you his number,the American calls John and arranges a game for 9:30 the next day but John warns him he might be half an hour late.
Next day John turns up at exactly 9:30.and thrashes the American,enraged the American asks for a rematch,John agrees and says 9:30 tomorrow but I might be half an hour late.
Next day John turns up on time and beats the american again this time playing left handed.
The American is apoplectic with rage.
What's your game?day one you play right handed,day 2 left handed,you trying to make a fool out of me?
John replies no it's simple if I wake up and me wife is lying on her right I play right handed,if she's on the left i play left handed.No offence meant.
Red in the face the American shouts what if she's lying on her back?.
John replies well then I'll be a half hour late
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Not at all sexist @Braehead Cabbage :40:
 
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