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Two priests are off to the shower late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realise there's no soap.
Father John says, "I've got soap in my room", so he goes to get it.
Not bothering to dress he grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He's halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like a statue.
The Nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.
The first Nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops one bar of soap!
"Oh look" says the first Nun, "Its a soap dispenser".
To test this theory, the second Nun pulls at this manhood, and sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once and then twice, and then three times, but nothing happens....
So she gives it several more tugs and then yells "oh my"! "Hand lotion too"!!




:tumbleweed:
 
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later."The nun agreed.A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"The nun replied, "He went that way."After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to war in Iran."The nun said, "I understand completely."The soldier added, "I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!
 
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American tourist visiting Aberdeenshire spots farmer sitting in his tractor lighting his pipe.
“Hey buddy, how big is your farm?”
“Well fae here tae yon hedge and ower tae the burn.”
“Damn! Back home I can drive for three days and not reach the end of my land.”
“Aye? I used tae hae a car like that an’ a’.”
 
Old guy on holiday with his mates ends up with a woman at the end of night.

Have you taken precautions she asks.

Aye, there's a defibrillator at the foot of the bed!
 
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A man who has just died is brought to the mortuary wearing an expensive, beautifully tailored black suit.The mortician asks the widow how she’d like her husband dressed for the viewing. He mentions that he already looks quite nice in the black suit.But the widow says, “No, he always looked his best in blue.”She hands the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The next day, she returns for the wake — and is stunned. Her husband is dressed in a beautiful blue suit with a subtle stripe, perfectly fitted.She says, “This is incredible. You did an excellent job. How much did it cost?”The mortician hands back the blank check. “Nothing at all.”“What do you mean nothing?” she asks. “I insist on paying you.”
He smiles and says, “Well, another gentleman of your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left… and he happened to be wearing a very nice blue suit.”“I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”“So, at that point, it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
 
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 
The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus...They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's penis and began to work back.'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?'The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.
 
emerald green said:
My cravings seaweed have been getting out of hand in the past few weeks. I think about it night and day.
I should probably seek kelp.

:tumbleweed:
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Sending Off Red Card GIF by Football Australia
 
I've been suffering from chronic back pain these last few years. So I saw my Doctor, and he offered me an experimental new treatment here in Scotland, where they inject you with Whisky.

I couldn't go through with it, just the thought of it sent Chivas up my spine.


:tumbleweed:
 
Was at the pictures last night and there was a guy wi a wee dug sitting along from us. The wee dug was engrossed with the movie and when it was finished I said tae the guy... your wee dug didnae half enjoy that.
The guy said I'm surprised tbh, he hated the book.
 
GORDONSMITH7 said:
That Lothian Road can still be dodgy on a Saturday night. I was attacked outside the Usher Hall by a trombone, oboe and violin.The polis said that it was an orchestrated attack.

BIG G
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Just round fae the pubic triangle G.;))
 
My missus and me were sitting in the garden, me with my Heineken 00 and she's halfway down a bottle of Pinot. She said I love you so much I really don’t know how I could ever live without you.
I asked her if that was her talking... or the wine?
She smiled and said, It’s me… talking tae the wine.
 
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I went for a job interview today. The employer said what's your biggest fault? I said, probably my honesty.
He said, well, I wouldn't really say that was a fault.
I said, I couldn't give a fuck what you think ya fat cvnt.
 
A happily married couple years ago the wife was in a car crash and her loving husband donated 2 pints of blood to save her life, years later after the constant arguments they are going through a bitter divorce and the husband demands the blood back he donated to save her life, angry at this the wife pulls her tampax out, throws it in his face and tells him, there, i will pay it back in monthly installments.

Moral of the story is;

You get nothing back from a woman without a string attached.
 
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