The All New Joke Thread

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hibbybilly said:
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he haddecided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!""No matter," said the man. "Observe!"And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,"Bishop, who was this man?"."I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
.... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side."What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly."I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but.."HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."
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Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
 
Dub said:
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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I will add
Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
 
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Dub said:
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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greencol said:
I will add
Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
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THANK YOU, THANK YOU, ONCE AGAIN, I THANK YOU!
Bobby Ball GIF
 
hibbybilly said:
THANK YO/U, THANK YOU, ONCE AGAIN, I THANK YOU!
Bobby Ball GIF
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Tough crowd the night Billy....

Anyhoo,

A german dwarf jumped into the river yesterday to save my little dog who was drowning.
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm, dry him off then give him some Vitamin C and he vil be fine"
I said to him "are you a little vet"

"a little vet? he replied..... Im fucking soaking!"

:tumbleweed:






hellllloooo there!
 
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A man decided to join a monastery where you are only allowed to say 2 words every 10 years.

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons him and says, "you've been with us 10 years, what 2 words would you like to say?"

The monk replies, "I'm hungry"

So the head monk organises an extra ration to be given to him everyday.

After 20 years the head monk calls him in again and asks "what 2 words would you like to say?"

The monk replied with "too cold"

So the head monk organises for him to get another blanket.

After 30 years the head monk calls him in and says "what 2 words would you like to say?"

The monk replies "wanna leave"

The head monk says "thank fuck! You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"


:tumbleweed:
 
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3 old mamas sitting on a porch in Mississippi discussing their nicknames for their men.
Gloria asks Pearl... Pearl, what you call yo maannn? Pearl says, I call ma man Sugar, cos he's so suweeet.
Gloria then asks Mae, Mae, what you call yo man? Mae says, I call ma man Treasure, cos he's so preciouusss.
Pearl turns to Gloria, Gloria, what you call yo man? Gloria says, I call ma man Southern Comfort.
Mae says, Southern Comfort? Aint that sum kinda fancy liquor?
Gloria..... HMMMMM MMMMMM
 
A guy walked into the local cathedral and said to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”
The rector, astonished, replied. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf?” the man shouted back, “I said I want to join this fucking church!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building,” the rector told him.
“Okay, twatface, I want to speak to someone else,” the man replied.
The rector went into the bishop’s study to inform him of the situation. Then he and the bishop returned to the man in the bishop, said, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no problem,” the man said, “I just won five million fucking quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money.”
“I see,” said the Bishop evenly. “And this cvnt is giving you a hard time?”
 
I might have posted this before

A guys in a club when he meets this bird. So they are chatting away when suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye flies out. Boom he catches it and and helps her put it back in. So the night moves on and they get a bit closer when she's asks him back to hers..next morning he says "do you always go back with a guy on the first night" "only if he catches my eye" she said.
 
A blonde goes to her local pet shop in search of an 'exotic' pet.As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS'Only £20 each! Comes with complete instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!' As the man packs up the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.She does exactly what is specified:1. Take a shower.2. Splash on some nice perfume.3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise ... nothing happens!The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop.'
So, she calls the pet shop.The man says, 'I'll be round right away.'Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there!'
The man ... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and sternly says:'LISTEN TO ME..........I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!'
 
HaarlemShuffler said:
Watching YT interview between Giles Brandrith and Jimmy Carr. At one point referencing wealth, they mention Ken Dodd and his apparently famous declaration following his own probs with the taxman that he didn't realise the Inland Revenue applied to him as he lived on the coast 😀
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After the tax case against him, he created 2 new Diddy Men;
Diddy he pay & Diddy Fuck
 
The fantastic Psychobitches......


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Just found a big snake in ma back garden so I phoned the RSPCA and telt the guy it was huge. The guy said tae me how many feet? I said it's a fuckin snake ! It's no got any feet!
 
God tells Noah he wants him to build a new Ark.
Noah – OK. Same size as the last one?
God – Same size but with extra floors.
Noah – Mmm, how many extra decks do you want? Two, three?God – I was thinking more like fifteen or twenty storeys
.Noah – That’s going to take some building, maybe a couple of years. Later……
God – You certainly build a good Ark. I can’t wait to see it fully loaded.
Noah – Same as last time, two of each animal? Shall I take some dinosaurs this t…..
God – No, no. This time I want it full of fish.
Noah – Fish? That makes no sense. Why? Why fish?
God – Yes, fish. Tons and tons of carp.
Noah – Carp? After all the time and effort I put into building the bloody thing you could at least tell me why….
.God – Okay, okay. I don’t know, I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark.
 
“Two men are chilling on a boat. Mr. B has a cigarette; he asks his buddy, Mr. Jay, 'Do you have a lighter?' Mr. Jay says, 'No.' For a while, they looked around, and they still couldn't find a lighter. Until Mr. Jay had an idea, he says, 'Quick, give me your cigarette.' Then Mr. B gives him the cigarette; Mr. Jay immediately throws the cigarette overboard, and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter
 
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