I cannie help with the kilt either but, following on from [MENTION=11602]Wannabehibee[/MENTION]'s joke, I'm told this is a true story.
Back in the days when we had a mining industry in this country, the then president of the National Union of Mineworkers - Joe Gormley, was flying up to Edinburgh on a scheduled visit to Kinneil Colliery in Bo'ness.
The pit bosses thought it would be a great gesture if Mr Gormley was greeted by a piper on his arrival in Edinburgh and they enquired if any of the workforce was known to play the bagpipes. One miner (we'll call him Davie) was identified as a piper of great repute, so it was decided that he would do the honours.
Unfortunately, Davie was still 'down the pit' and black from head to foot. On being brought to the surface, Davie agreed the idea was indeed a good one but there wouldn't be enough time to get his pipe band uniform and bagpipes from home and also get cleaned up before heading to the airport. The bosses suggested that if someone could go to his house and pick up his stuff while he cleaned up, would that suffice? Davie reckons it would, so a chap called Wullie is despatched to Davie's house to get the gear from Davie's missus.
Now the reason Wullie is available is because he is the local village idiot who, whilst employed by the colliery is as thick as two short planks, and is only reliable for getting sent messages and doing odd jobs requiring little intelligence.
So, off Wullie goes to Davie's house where he is greeted at the door by Davie's wife,
"Hello Wullie, what brings you here?"
Wullie replies,
"Yer man's kilt...."
Just at this point, where Davie's wife collapses to the floor distraught, Wullie follows it up with,
"...and his bagpipes tae."
Nice try Jack. You were wrong and cannae admit it. And you're the one that came on trying to be smart to me when I'd only mentioned i didn't think Darren was looking for a Hibs kilt. Away and enjoy your holiday and gie us all peace.