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Braehead Cabbage

Braehead Cabbage

Baldy radge
Private Member
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
As the Pie stand is pretty much dead these days we should resurrect the jokes thread on here for some light relief
Guy walks into a cake shop and see a sign All cakes £1 so he points to one and says can I have that please?
Certainly sir that'll be £2.
I thought all cakes were £1?
The shop owner replied yes but that's Madeira cake
 
WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
WIFE: “I’m telling you that the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
WIFE: “In the pool.”

..........

A pirate goes to the doctors
Worried the moles on his back
Are cancerous
It's ok says the doctor
There benign
Count them again doc
Says the pirate I recond
There be at least ten

.......

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the
Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!


:yas:
 
Ma dug drinks red wine. He's a Bordeaux collie.
I started a new job last week with the samaritans, I tried tae phone in sick this morning but the fuckers talked me out of it.
Guy stopped me today and asked 'Can you help me, I'm looking for a rubbish tip' So I telt him ...Hearts tae win the cup
 
Prince Charles slams on his brakes in front of the palace a fraction too late.... sadly one splattered corgi....
Distraught he stands supporting himself on the stone balustrade by the steps supporting a lantern, going " Oh dear oh dear, however am I going to tell mummy "

Bang !!!!! Out pops a genie...."Your highness, you have realised me from the lantern..your wish is my command"
"Oh am I pleased to see you, please, please, could you possibly bring mummy's corgi back to life?"
"Alas your highness, many things I can do, but bringing dead animals back to life is not one of them.. is there anyhting else I can do for you ?"

Charles scratches his head and ponders, then "Well, there is is yes. Do you think you could possibly make my darling Camilla as beautiful, as popular, as much loved as was Diana?"

The genie scratches his head in return " Do you think we could take another look at the corgi ???"

...........

One day this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.
He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, "Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
She asks, "Oh, how come?"

He says, "Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box."
.........

There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting "44 days! 44 days!"

One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame.

The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, "Why are you chanting 44 days?"

She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, "A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!"

:giggle:
 
Doing an Easter related crossword and I'm struggling with this one.

2 across. Where they nailed Jesus.
 
Dub said:
:rollfloor That's nicked for facebook
Click to expand...

Where I got it mate , along with... I was standing next tae an insurance salesman at the Robbie Williams concert last night, and 'through it all he offered me protection.':rollfloor
 
SON: "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa"?
DAD:"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"
SON: :"Thank's Dad"
DAD:"No Problem Alan"
 
Beagle said:
SON: "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa"?
DAD:"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"
SON: :"Thank's Dad"
DAD:"No Problem Alan"
Click to expand...


Posted that on a Facebook group the other day surprising the number of people that don't get it
 
Braehead Cabbage said:
Posted that on a Facebook group the other day surprising the number of people that don't get it[emoji3][emoji3]
Click to expand...

Dub said:
I think I retweeted your post and did so through tears of laughter. It's hilarious.
Click to expand...

Alright, alright - explain. Unless it's simply that after explaining Teresa, simply "Alan" is just so mundane by comparison?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
aggie said:
Alright, alright - explain. Unless it's simply that after explaining Teresa, simply "Alan" is just so mundane by comparison?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Re-arrange the letters of 'Alan'

[emoji102]
 
Dub said:
I think I retweeted your post and did so through tears of laughter. It's hilarious.
Click to expand...

It's a belter dubster

- - - Updated - - -

aggie said:
Oh Jesus. I am literally retarded. Cheers, ST!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Aye you and [MENTION=101]egb_hibs[/MENTION] can use your big words to confuse the ready of us but can't rearrange alan to anal
 
Superman-Wonder-Woman-2013-022-007-e1445447996388-600x554.jpg
 
What happenend to the jobby that could`nt sing?????????????????????????????????

It just sat there hummin:rollfloor:rollfloor:rollfloor
 
I once had a girlfriend that did the housework naked.

She was fucking tidy!
 
Last edited:
emerald green said:
Not a joke B, and should probably be on a science thread, but the human anus can stretch 7 inches wide before being damaged. A raccoon can get through a hole 3.5 inches wide. Do the maths:cryy: (or math for our American viewers)
Click to expand...
Yi wid have thought god wid have women shitin oot a bairn rather than it comin oot the front bottom eh? Less pain it wid appear. And talkin aboot cvnts, I see the The Hun are beating another Hun team.
 
emerald green said:
Not a joke B, and should probably be on a science thread, but the human anus can stretch 7 inches wide before being damaged. A raccoon can get through a hole 3.5 inches wide. Do the maths:cryy: (or math for our American viewers)
Click to expand...
Did you hear the joke about 2 raccoons and a jambo?
 
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
.................
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After quite a few drinks they end up in a brothel.

The 'Madam' takes one look at the old men and whispers to her manager "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, those two are so old and drunk I'm not wasting my girls on them, they won't know the difference!"

The manager does as instructed and the two old men go upstairs to take care of their 'business'.

After the event as they are walking home the first man says, "You know what, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead" says his friend, "Why do you think that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend replies, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch!"

"A witch??. . why in the world would you think that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out of the window, took my bloody teeth with her!"
 
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