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The All New Joke Thread

hibbybilly

radge grandad radge
Bounce Radge
SEX AFTER DEATH.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. After a long time together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.
"Mary ..Mary "..Is that you John ??
"Yes I've come back like we agreed".
"That's wonderful !!,Whats it like"
"Well i get up in the morning. I have sex.I have breakfast and then its off to the golf course.I have sex again,
bathe in the warm sun,and then have sex a couple more times. Then I have lunch, another wander around the golf course, then pretty much
have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, its back to the golf course again.
Then its more sex until late at night.I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again.
"Oh John are you in Heaven"
"No ...Im a rabbit in Peebles"
 

hibbybilly

radge grandad radge
Bounce Radge
There's going to be a round of applause for the unsung heroes of the delivery drivers and couriers.

Tomorrow.

Sometime between 9.00 am and 5.00 pm.
Apparently it’s not applause, you have tae get yer brown bin oot , stand behind it
and bang the lid.
 

Jack

Bounce Radge
Well, That's me in Hospital 😩

This has not been a good morning.

After spending the last two weeks quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horrible big mistake!

I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup and the horse was going full speed. The horse just would not stop.

Thankfully the manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the machine.

He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins off me so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant...
 

NGP

A message to you, radge
Bounce Radge
A couple are about to go to bed together for the 1st time.
She tells him to get undressed.
He takes his socks off and his toes are all deformed. "What happened to your toes"?, she asks. "When I was young, I had Tolio, it's like polio, but it just effects the toes, that's why it's called Tolio"
He then takes off his trousers and his knees all all pockmarked. "What happened to your knees"? she asks. "Well, I had a bad case of kneesles, it's like measles, but just effects the knees, that's why it's called kneesles."
He then takes down his boxer shorts, "don't tell me", she said, "Smallcox"
 

hibbybilly

radge grandad radge
Bounce Radge
Mum, why is my sister called Teresa?
Because me and your dad like Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.
Ok mum thanks.
No problem Alan.
 

Jack

Bounce Radge
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just came out"
The next day grandpa died, the father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Oh my goodness" thought the father, "she’s in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock, he couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to work. He was very nervous all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound, eventually midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, how come today?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.
 

Jack

Bounce Radge
what does duct tape do :5:


it turns no no no into mm mm mm :47:
Not quite a joke but ...

You only need 2 things in your toolbox

If something moves and it's not supposed to - duct tape.

If something isn't moving and it's supposed to - WD40.
 

bigmanandy

Bounce Radge
"Hi, I'm Barry Scott. If it can clean an old penny, just imagine what it can do for your lungs. Cillit Bang, give it a go .... BANG ! and the virus has gone"
 
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