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Fringe Funniest Jokes

Westside Green

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Glad I avoided the not so funny ones!

The top 10 jokes of this year's festival

  1. Olaf Falafel: I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
  2. Richard Stott: Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
  3. Milton Jones: What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
  4. Jake Lambert: A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
  5. Ross Smith: A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
  6. Ross Smith: Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
  7. Adele Cliff: I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.
  8. Richard Pulsford: After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
  9. Mark Simmons: To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian
  10. Ivo Graham: I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.
 

Sir Shrink

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No. 1 - A Tourette's charity is demanding an apology from the award organiser and the comedian.
They are fucking furious apparently.
I think we have a new 'number 1'.

:54:
 

Hectorhib

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No. 1 - A Tourette's charity is demanding an apology from the award organiser and the comedian.
They are fucking furious apparently.
They must be FUCKIN joking
 

HaarlemShuffler

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Am I missing something over here in NL? Is florets a product in an ad or summat?

(Or catalonian for flower? ;)
 

Hectorhib

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The bits you break off the main stem off a head of brocholli are known as florets
 

hibbybilly

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Am I missing something over here in NL? Is florets a product in an ad or summat?

(Or catalonian for flower? ;)
Most folks dinnae ken what florets are, I didnae. So it isnae funny tae me.
 

Chester Perry

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Fringes Funniest one Liner. May be more apt. Not all stand up is about that.
 

Brainwrong

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For oneliners, they're pretty poor. Like Chesters says, standup is so much more than that. Good standup is anyway.

The antidepressants joke is old. No way he can claim that one as his.

Most of the rest sound like dad jokes by folk that aren't dads.
 

Chester Perry

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Most jokes/premises have been done. Or just re packaged.

“So I kicked her in the pussy” won’t win any awards. But the story/s leading up to it should.
 

Sir Shrink

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Most folks dinnae ken what florets are, I didnae. So it isnae funny tae me.
That explains the weird flowers your missus gets on her birthday.
 

Hectorhib

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Stand up seems to be going in the direction of series of one liners. Rather than the observational comedy/ story telling of the alternative comedy trailblazers like Ben Elton and Connolly, stand up format is now more akin to Bernard Manning without the vulgarity and racist content....one gag after another
 

Brainwrong

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Doug Stanhope, Dave Chappelle, Stewart Lee, Chris Rock, Hanibal Buress, Richard Pryor; proper comedy. One liners are fine, but mince if that's all you got.
 

Chester Perry

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Doug Stanhope, Dave Chappelle, Stewart Lee, Chris Rock, Hanibal Buress, Richard Pryor; proper comedy. One liners are fine, but mince if that's all you got.
Andy Andrist, BrettEriksen, Sean Rouse had a killer special. Jim Jefferies has his moments. Mark Thomas.
 

GORDONSMITH7

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Stand up seems to be going in the direction of series of one liners. Rather than the observational comedy/ story telling of the alternative comedy trailblazers like Ben Elton and Connolly, stand up format is now more akin to Bernard Manning without the vulgarity and racist content....one gag after another
One gag after the other, splendid. More like the wonderful Groucho Marx I would say. More jokes for your buck. Tim Vine is the Daddy of them all.

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'”

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”

“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.

'I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”

“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”

“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”

“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”

“I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”

“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”

“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?'”

“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“Black Beauty – now there’s a dark

“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”
“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”

“Velcro? What a rip-off!”

“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”

“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”

“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”

“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'”

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
Loading video



“I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

“I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.”

“I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”

“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.”

“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'”

“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”

“You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”

Splendid.

BIG G
 

hibbybilly

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One gag after the other, splendid. More like the wonderful Groucho Marx I would say. More jokes for your buck. Tim Vine is the Daddy of them all.

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'”

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”

“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.

'I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”

“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”

“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”

“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”

“I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”

“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”

“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”

“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?'”

“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“Black Beauty – now there’s a dark

“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”
“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”

“Velcro? What a rip-off!”

“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”

“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”

“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”

“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'”

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
Loading video



“I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

“I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.”

“I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”

“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.”

“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'”

“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”

“You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”

Splendid.

BIG G
Some great material there G
😉
 

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