One gag after the other, splendid. More like the wonderful Groucho Marx I would say. More jokes for your buck. Tim Vine is the Daddy of them all.
I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'”
“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”
“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.
'I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”
“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”
“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”
“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”
“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”
“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”
“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”
“I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”
“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”
“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”
“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?'”
“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
“Black Beauty – now there’s a dark
“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”
“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'”
“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
“Velcro? What a rip-off!”
“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”
“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”
“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”
“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'”
“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
“I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.”
“I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”
“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.”
“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'”
“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”
“You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”
“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”
Splendid.
BIG G
