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Thread: Killer Cyclist. Not In The Best Possible Taste, But...

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    Toddler Radge
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    Killer Cyclist. Not In The Best Possible Taste, But...

    Just seen this. For some reason I couldn't reply to the thread on here. I doubt even Private Eye would take "offensive satire" this far, but I think it's funny. Sort of:


    "In a sensational and controversial decision, High Court judge the Hon. Thomas Whingey today found in favour of the Crown and ordered the exhumation of Darwin Award winner Kim Briggs.
    The body of the much-loved Darwinian Laureate, who has been recommended to the Vatican for beatification and who is offered at odds of 2/5 by Paddy Power to break Thomas Becket’s almost 850-year-old record for the fastest canonisation in history, is to be dug-up and displayed on a gibbet, “pour encourager les autres”, after she was found guilty under an ancient statute outlawing “wanton and furious texting.”
    The court heard that Mrs. Briggs, who did not pay road tax, stepped into the busy carriageway on the A5201 Old Street, at its junction with Rufus Street and Charlotte Road, ignoring a pelican crossing less than 10 metres away. She was hit by a vehicle that was travelling well within the 20mph speed limit.
    Mrs. Briggs, who was wearing neither a helmet nor a hi-viz vest at the time of the incident, caused damage to the bicycle with which she collided. She also injured the vulnerable teenaged rider of the bicycle.
    The case for Mrs. Briggs, whose controversial decision to accept her Darwin Award, rather than look after her two children, has attracted much criticism, suffered an unexpected blow when two “expert witnesses” for the defence were unable to appear in court. Frantic attempts by her defence team to contact Gerry and Kate McCann, the world’s foremost authorities on responsible parental supervision of children, were unsuccessful. It is believed Mr. & Mrs. McCann were enjoying a meal at an upmarket restaurant and were consequently too busy to attend.

    The court was told that many of the assertions made by Mrs. Briggs’s defence team could not be substantiated. Mrs. Briggs had often boasted of her NVQ in pedestrian skills, but her name does not appear on the official list of those who have gained this prestigious qualification. In addition, her claims to have been a student the esteemed Green Cross Code Academy have been cast into doubt.
    Kevin Blockhead, spokesman for the Academy, claimed she had enrolled with the institution but had attended only “two or three” lectures. Mr. Blockhead revealed Mrs. Briggs had paid little attention in class. “She seemed to spend most of her time on her smartphone. When she wasn’t glued to that, she was talking about hairstyles and soap operas.”

    Though conceding that his initial claim that Mrs. Briggs was in possession of curly black hair and thick lips at the time of the incident was incorrect, Con Savage QC, who led the case for the Crown, welcomed the verdict. Pointing out that Mrs. Briggs had a penchant for Tasha Slapper hairstyles and spoke with an Essex accent, Savage remained condemnatory of the Darwinian poster girl’s actions: “Mrs. Briggs was clearly a serial thrill-seeker, who enjoyed the adrenalin rush she received when playing games of “chicken” with the traffic on busy A-roads. Sadly, as our expert scientific evidence conclusively proves, her kitten heels were not built for speed and she paid an inevitable price. This particular chicken will not be crossing the road again.”

    In the absence of the McCanns, “expert” testimony was confined to Metropolitan Police dynamics specialist, Detective Inspector Slobb. Sagaciously stroking the two days of stubble that passes for a beard in the force and occasionally scratching his paunch, D.I. Slobb convincingly outlined the exhaustive scientific tests he had performed on Mrs. Briggs’s footwear. Slobb agreed with the prosecution’s contention that her shoes were not “built for speed” and were, as such, inappropriate attire for jaywalking on an arterial road in mid-afternoon.
    He also agreed that Mrs. Briggs should have been aware that kitten heels, though not strictly illegal for jaywalking, were inherently dangerous when used to perform the activity. “Wearing a pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes, in good condition, the average 40-year-old woman can easily leap ten feet backwards in one stunning bound,” testified Slobb, as Mr. Justice Whingey nodded vigorously in agreement, “but our laboratory conditions tests confirm that she would have been able to leap less than a quarter of that distance wearing her kitten heels.”

    Defence attorney Jay Walker-Wright QC immediately stated his intention to appeal the judgement on behalf of his deceased client.
    “This outdated law has not been used since the last century, when Britain was a quiet backwater of the Nokian Empire. It has no relevance to a modern society, in which people have a genuine need to update their Bebo page on a minute-by-minute basis.”
    Walker-Wright continued, “The jury wholly comprised people who adhere to the Highway Code and have never jaywalked in their lives. Such people have an ignorance of jaywalking, are often antagonistic towards jaywalkers and are illogically and unfairly disconcerted by jaywalkers when jaywalkers simply exercise their inalienable right to cross a carriageway without paying any attention to their surroundings. Mrs. Briggs had a right to be tried by a jury of her peers. This right was clearly denied to her. ”
    Mr. Walker-Wright was also highly critical of the government. “It is quite disgusting that vulnerable road users, such as Saint Kim, are given such shoddy facilities. A pittance of just £40,000 is spent on installing each totally inadequate pelican crossing. This is scarcely enough taxpayers’ money to keep an NHS bed in operation for more than a few months. It is, in fact, possibly less than the government spends on the annual salary of a police sergeant on a good screw with overtime, and less than half of what I myself have received from the taxpayer for my endeavours in this case.” Walker-Wright continued. “In addition, to have expected my client to walk almost ten metres, wearing perfectly legal kitten heels, in order to use this inadequate facility, is an outrage.”

    Mrs. Briggs’s husband also called for the government to act. “As a tribute to my intelligent, selfless, highly-responsible and exemplary ex-spouse, I call on the government to replace the offensive and divisive figure of Charles Darwin on the £10 note, not with Jane Austen, but with a picture of my beloved Kim. This would be an appropriate tribute to such a remarkable woman.”
    The Not The Nine O’Clock News hedgehog is 37."

  2. #2
    Easy Now Radge



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    I stopped once I got to Paddy Power...

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    Atlanta Hibs Radge


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    Quote Originally Posted by beefy View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    I stopped once I got to Paddy Power...
    wish I'd done that.

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    Radge Private Member





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    Quote Originally Posted by barney View Post
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    wish I'd done that.
    So what happened next?
    Space to let

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