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Thread: Jokes III

  1. #51
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    I went to Waterstone's and asked the lady if they had any books about turtles.

    She asked "hardback?" and I was like "Yeah and little heads"🐢

    - - - Updated - - -

    My doctor says I've got hypochondria.

    I thought oh $#@! not that as well!

    *courtesy of @$#@!jokes on twitter :-)

  2. #52
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    Recipe for the Perfect Cuppa....

    Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.


    So, every morning I shout,


    'Two sugars, fat arse!'

    .......................................

    FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

    The missus bought a Paperback,
    down Shepton Mallet way,
    I had a look inside her bag;
    ... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

    Well I just left her to it,
    And at ten I went to bed.
    An hour later she appeared;
    The sight filled me with dread...

    In her left she held a rope;
    And in her right a whip!
    She threw them down upon the floor,
    And then began to strip.

    Well fifty years or so ago;
    I might have had a peek;
    But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
    She's eighty four next week!!

    Watching Mabel bump and grind;
    Could not have been much grimmer.
    And things then went from bad to worse;
    She toppled off her Zimmer!

    She struggled back upon her feet;
    A couple minutes later;
    She put her teeth back in and said
    I am a dominater !!

    Now if you knew our Mabel,
    You'd see just why I spluttered,
    I'd spent two months in traction
    For the last complaint I'd uttered.

    She stood there nude and naked
    Bent forward just a bit
    I went to hold her, sensual like
    and stood on her left tit!

    Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
    My god what had I done!?
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
    "Step on the other one"!!

    Well readers, I can't tell no more;
    About what occurred that day.
    Suffice to say my jet black hair,
    Turned fifty shades of grey ;D

    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  3. #53
    radge grandad radge

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    Quote Originally Posted by NUTTY PROFESSOR View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Recipe for the Perfect Cuppa....

    Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.


    So, every morning I shout,


    'Two sugars, fat arse!'

    .......................................

    FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

    The missus bought a Paperback,
    down Shepton Mallet way,
    I had a look inside her bag;
    ... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

    Well I just left her to it,
    And at ten I went to bed.
    An hour later she appeared;
    The sight filled me with dread...

    In her left she held a rope;
    And in her right a whip!
    She threw them down upon the floor,
    And then began to strip.

    Well fifty years or so ago;
    I might have had a peek;
    But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
    She's eighty four next week!!

    Watching Mabel bump and grind;
    Could not have been much grimmer.
    And things then went from bad to worse;
    She toppled off her Zimmer!

    She struggled back upon her feet;
    A couple minutes later;
    She put her teeth back in and said
    I am a dominater !!

    Now if you knew our Mabel,
    You'd see just why I spluttered,
    I'd spent two months in traction
    For the last complaint I'd uttered.

    She stood there nude and naked
    Bent forward just a bit
    I went to hold her, sensual like
    and stood on her left tit!

    Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
    My god what had I done!?
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
    "Step on the other one"!!

    Well readers, I can't tell no more;
    About what occurred that day.
    Suffice to say my jet black hair,
    Turned fifty shades of grey ;D

    Choried


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  4. #54
    Hibernian, Hibernian Ra Ra Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by hibbybilly View Post
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    Choried
    Likewise
    They're gone, not here, forgotten
    The maroon brigade now cry
    The city is now Hibernian
    The team that would not die


    [© Daddy O'Hibee]



    If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself

  5. #55
    Easy Now Radge



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    Apparently people are using smart phones instead of credit cards now.

    I tried this but my cocaine was very lumpy.

  6. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by beefy View Post
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    Apparently people are using smart phones instead of credit cards now.

    I tried this but my cocaine was very lumpy.
    Outstanding

  7. #57
    Easy Now Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by cowiecabbage View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Outstanding
    Not mine. Got sent in a text

  8. #58
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    Bought some shoes off my drug dealer the other day. I don't know what they were laced with but I've been tripping all day

  9. #59
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    With it being Halloween I went to a fancy dress shop to buy a Dracula costume. The girl offered me a Hearts shirt .....I said to her 'Sorry love I think you misheard, I said I want to look like a count'😂😂😂😂
    Game's rigged, why bother?

  10. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beagle View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    With it being Halloween I went to a fancy dress shop to buy a Dracula costume. The girl offered me a Hearts shirt .....I said to her 'Sorry love I think you misheard, I said I want to look like a count'😂😂😂😂
    When asked what she was doing for Halloween, Barbie said pump Ken.
    I wanted tae dress up like a small island off the coast of Italy but my missus said dinnae be Sicily


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  11. #61
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    I dont agree with this new law about smoking with kids in cars.
    Last week I was having a fag in the car and the kids were stood outside in the rain.
    They were soaking wet, banging on the windows, begging me to let them in but as I explained to them its illegal.
    Stupid law really.....
    Game's rigged, why bother?

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    I've noticed that there's a shocking amount of sex on TV these days.

    Especially when the wife's gone out.

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    So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma'am, can I please see your license? " She says “I'm sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving. " His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car? " She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he's in the trunk. "“Ma'am, DON'T MOVE, I'm calling for backup. " He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie. . . Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman's window. “Ma'am, can I see your license? " he asks sternly. “Of course, officer," she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate," he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car? " She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma'am, stand back! " He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty. . . The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I'll bet that liar told you I was speeding too! ! "

  14. #64
    A True Gadgie/Gadgess
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    Why do gunts fans whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

    So they know which end to wipe.

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    Have you heard the one about the guy who wanted a sex change.........

    He jumped off a high building and landed with a fud😂😂

  16. #66
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    2 rangers fans on holiday in Amsterdam and they visit a brothel......."have u got a fat bird with no teeth,a heroin addiction and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat?"

    "You boys are kinky $#@!ers" said the madam.

    "Are we $#@!" they reply "we're looking for our mum."


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  17. #67
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    Apparently 1 in every 2½ men is HIV positive :0

  18. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by brianmc View Post
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    Apparently 1 in every 2½ men is HIV positive :0
    Topical
    They're gone, not here, forgotten
    The maroon brigade now cry
    The city is now Hibernian
    The team that would not die


    [© Daddy O'Hibee]



    If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself

  19. #69
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    In January 2016 Chemists are no longer allowed to sell Viagra , unless it is by its proper Chemical name , you now have to ask for Mycoxaflopin ...

  20. #70
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    A new tomb has been found in the valley of the Kings,the mummy is covered in chocolate and chopped nuts,experts think they've finally found Pharaoh Rocher

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    What do you call a Chinaman with a mouse in his mouth ?.......Mousey tongue
    "I can't stress enough how important it is to be in possession of the football - it is better to be the matador rather than the bull"

    John Hughes

  22. #72
    radge grandad radge

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    A girl visits her doctor and tells him she has terrible discharge."Ok, take your knickers off and lets check it out" he says. She drops her knickers and he sticks 3 fingers in her . He says "how does that feel?" She says "$#@!in magic but the discharge is from my ear".


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  23. #73
    radge grandad radge

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    A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me potent."
    The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard boxmarked with the label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."
    The next day the man walks into the same chemist right up to the same bloke and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat." The chemist replies,"DEEP HEAT???" You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up !!


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  24. #74
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    Old Man And The Beaver

    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up



    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
    86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

    I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
    "So what do you think about that Doc?"



    The doctor considered his question for a minute and
    then began to tell a story.

    "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
    and never misses a season."




    One day he was setting off to go hunting.
    In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
    cane instead of his gun."

    "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
    sitting at the water's edge..


    He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
    shoot the magnificent creature.
    Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
    it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

    "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said,
    "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
    pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


    The doctor replied , "My point exactly.

    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  25. #75
    Hibernian, Hibernian Ra Ra Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by NUTTY PROFESSOR View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Old Man And The Beaver

    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up



    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
    86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

    I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
    "So what do you think about that Doc?"



    The doctor considered his question for a minute and
    then began to tell a story.

    "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
    and never misses a season."




    One day he was setting off to go hunting.
    In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
    cane instead of his gun."

    "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
    sitting at the water's edge..


    He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
    shoot the magnificent creature.
    Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
    it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

    "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said,
    "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
    pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


    The doctor replied , "My point exactly.

    They're gone, not here, forgotten
    The maroon brigade now cry
    The city is now Hibernian
    The team that would not die


    [© Daddy O'Hibee]



    If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself

  26. #76
    radge grandad radge

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    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  27. #77
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    David Cameron has just opened his advent calendar and found out there's a **** in number 10

  28. #78
    Hibernian, Hibernian Ra Ra Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by hibbybilly View Post
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    Quote Originally Posted by Braehead Cabbage View Post
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    David Cameron has just opened his advent calendar and found out there's a **** in number 10
    Both nicked for faceboak
    They're gone, not here, forgotten
    The maroon brigade now cry
    The city is now Hibernian
    The team that would not die


    [© Daddy O'Hibee]



    If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself

  29. #79
    Baldy radge


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    Quote Originally Posted by Dub View Post
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    Both nicked for faceboak
    So I see😅

  30. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dub View Post
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    Both nicked for faceboak
    ditto


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  31. #81
    Easy Now Radge



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    Convince neighbours you are shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of Hellmans mayonnaise.

  32. #82
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    The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday - his funfair is next monkey.
    Game's rigged, why bother?

  33. #83
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    A glasgow teacher asks the kids what team they support "hands up who supporys rangers " she says, all the hands go up except 1,"who do you support johny" she asks.
    "The mighty hibees" he says
    "Why" asks the teacher
    "Because my mum and dad are from Edinburgh and support them, so I do as well".
    "You wouldn't copy your mum and dad if she was a prostitute and he was a junkie would you?"
    "No" he says ,"I'd support rangers like you dirty bast#@$/"

  34. #84
    radge grandad radge

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    Paddy says to murphy, Why do scuba divers fall out the boat backwards. Murphy says, Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the $#@!in boat!


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  35. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by hibbybilly View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Paddy says to murphy, Why do scuba divers fall out the boat backwards. Murphy says, Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the $#@!in boat!
    See you never got that book of decent jokes that you asked for on your Santa list.

  36. #86
    radge grandad radge

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wannabehibee View Post
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    See you never got that book of decent jokes that you asked for on your Santa list.
    Did too.... i'm saving them for later


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  37. #87
    Hibernian, Hibernian Ra Ra Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by hibbybilly View Post
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    Paddy says to murphy, Why do scuba divers fall out the boat backwards. Murphy says, Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the $#@!in boat!
    Have you resorted to nicking things off my Faceboak page
    They're gone, not here, forgotten
    The maroon brigade now cry
    The city is now Hibernian
    The team that would not die


    [© Daddy O'Hibee]



    If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself

  38. #88
    Quite a bit past it radge






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    Quote Originally Posted by Dub View Post
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    Have you resorted to nicking things off my Faceboak page
    Pretty sure he just heard it.

  39. #89
    radge grandad radge

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dub View Post
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    Have you resorted to nicking things off my Faceboak page
    Naw not yours


    Quote Originally Posted by Sir Shrink View Post
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    Pretty sure he just heard it.
    Aye Sirdoc and as usual, I cannae reveal my source.


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  40. #90
    Easy Now Radge



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    I got a call off the polis today telling me my wife had been involved in a car smash.

    "Is she OK?" I asked, bricking it.

    "Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash." he replied.

    "I ken that man but is she $#@!in awright?!?!" I screamed.

  41. #91
    Baldy radge


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    Got thrown out of the Apple store for farting,said I'd stunk the shop out,it's not my fault they've not got windows
    Last edited by Braehead Cabbage; 18-01-16 at 21:06.

  42. #92
    radge grandad radge

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    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  43. #93
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."


    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  44. #94
    Radge Monthly Contributor



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    Did you hear about the identical twin?
    She's up for attempt murder
    It was a failed suicide bid she claims

  45. #95
    radge grandad radge

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    So Iv'e been seeing a helpful therapist about my kleptomania. I've taken something valuable from every session.


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  46. #96
    radge grandad radge

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    I asked my daughter if I could borrow a newspaper. She said "this is the 21st century and nobody uses newspapers anymore, use my iPad"
    That fly never knew what $#@!in hit it.


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  47. #97
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    A fireman was at the station when he noticed a little girl next door. She was in a little red wagon with little ladder hanging off the sides. She was wearing a fireman's hat and had a dog tied to the wagon.

    He yelled, "Hey little girl, what are you doing?" She said, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my firetruck." The fireman walked closer and said, "That sure is a nice firetruck." She said, "Thanks Mister.

    " The fireman move a bit closer to get a better look and he noticed that the little girl had tied the dog to the wagon by it's scrotum. The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie the rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster."

    The little girl replied, "You're probably right Mister. But then, I wouldn't have a siren."

    ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................
    A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home..?"

    The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand..?"

    "Hey, thanks..!" the farmer said, and off he went.

    While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane..?"
    The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and give me a good sh.....g..?"

    The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady..! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that..?"

    She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."


    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  48. #98
    radge grandad radge

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    Just used the wifes stick deodorant, it says on the label remove cap and push up bottom.
    I can hardly walk but every time I fart the room smells magic.


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  49. #99
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home
    crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked,
    eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?"

    "No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what
    you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to
    get out."

    "Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I
    told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart,
    time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell
    her that?" asked his father.


    "Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said

    'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"

    .............................................................................................................

    This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
    He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
    "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
    And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
    She hears a voice over the radio saying:
    "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and
    get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

    'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
    She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
    "O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me........Our Father who art in Heaven........."


    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  50. #100
    radge grandad radge

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    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

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