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Thread: Jokes III

  1. #101
    Easy Now Radge



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    An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out "Can you see me now?"


    "Yes"
    "Oui"
    "Si"
    "Ja"

  2. #102
    A True Gadgie/Gadgess
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    A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.*
    Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
    To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a $#@! like that."

  3. #103
    Hibernian, Hibernian Ra Ra Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by beefy View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out "Can you see me now?"


    "Yes"
    "Oui"
    "Si"
    "Ja"
    I'm nicking that for faceboak
    They're gone, not here, forgotten
    The maroon brigade now cry
    The city is now Hibernian
    The team that would not die


    [© Daddy O'Hibee]



    If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself

  4. #104
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

    The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

    The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

    The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

    A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

    The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

    A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

    The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

    The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

    ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................

    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

    She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'


    ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................

    Prince Charles slams on his brakes in front of the palace a fraction too late.... sadly one splattered corgi....

    Distraught he stands supporting himself on the stone balustrade by the steps supporting a lantern, going " Oh dear oh dear, however am I going to tell mummy "

    Bang !!!!! Out pops a genie...."Your highness, you have realised me from the lantern..your wish is my command"
    "Oh am I pleased to see you, please, please, could you possibly bring mummy's corgi back to life?"

    "Alas your highness, many things I can do, but bringing dead animals back to life is not one of them.. is there anyhting else I can do for you ?"

    Charles scratches his head and ponders, then "Well, there is is yes. Do you think you could possibly make my darling Camilla as beautiful, as popular,and as much loved as Diana?"

    The genie scratches his head in return " Do you think we could take another look at the corgi ???"


    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  5. #105
    radge grandad radge

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    Grandson says tae me 'granda whats a transvestite?'
    I said 'go ask yer granny, he'll tell you'


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  6. #106
    radge grandad radge

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    Got the good lady Valentines flowers on Saturday and because I couldnae get them delivered on Sunday, I hid them in the boot of the car. So up i get at half six yesterday morning, throws on the housecoat and a pair of shoes and sneaks oot tae the car, nearly slipping on ma arse, and gets the flowers.
    I took them upstairs and woke the missus tae give her her flowers,she was delighted and pulled back the covers invitingly
    So I says tae her.....
    Huv yi no got a $#@!in vase?


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  7. #107
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    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi,and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sean."
    Passenger: "Who?"
    Cabbie: "Sean Carroll. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Sean Carroll every single time."
    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
    Cabbie: "Not Sean Carroll. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
    Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Sean Carroll, he could do everything right."
    Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Sean, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Sean Carroll"
    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Sean. He died . . . I'm married to his feckin' widow."
    Game's rigged, why bother?

  8. #108
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    A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
    Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.
    Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
    "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."
    The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.
    The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
    Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
    Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.
    He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
    "Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
    "It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
    "Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
    "Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"
    Game's rigged, why bother?

  9. #109
    Easy Now Radge



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    What is brass and sounds like Tom Jones?






    Trombones.





    Boo!

  10. #110
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    A stupid guy dies and goes to Heaven...

    The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"

    The guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."

    The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?"
    The stupid guy says, "Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd... ."

    The gatekeeper says, "OK, OK, I'll give it to you. Last question: what is God's first name?"
    The stupid guy replies, "Howard."
    The gatekeeper asks, "How on earth did you get Howard?"

    The guy says, "It's right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."

    ............................................................................................................................................................................................................
    A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
    The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.

    'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

    'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.
    'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

    'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.

    .............................................................................................................................................................................................................

    I asked my neighbour what her little daughter wanted for her birthday ???? She said its all the rage the kids love it so anything Frozen....the kid looked angry with the Iceland peas I got her!!!

    .............................................................................................................................................................................................................

    A Scotsman and an Englishman were sitting around watching the Rugby last night and enjoying a cold beer.
    After a while the Englishman says to the Scotsmman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife, while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related..?"

    The Scot crooked his head sideways for a minute, thought, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
    ...
    Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it would certainly make us even......

    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  11. #111
    Toddler Radge SussexAl's Avatar
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    A man is walking down the street when, glancing at his wrist, he realises his watch his broken.

    Passing a shop in the High Street with an extremely large clock in the window, he pops in.

    Inside, an elderly Jewish man greets him.

    "My watch has stopped" Says the man. "Can you fix it for me please?"

    "Alas, no my boy" Says the elderly Jewish man. "I'm afraid, I am not a watch repairer, I'm a Mohel" (the ritual circumciser)

    "Then why have you put a large clock in your window??" The man demands angrily.

    "If you were me, what would you put in YOUR window?" Says the Old man!

  12. #112
    Adult Radge weedgiehibbie's Avatar
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    My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heartburn tablets, can't believe gavisgon

  13. #113
    Justified Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by weedgiehibbie View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heartburn tablets, can't believe gavisgon
    Haha, superb!
    Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'...

  14. #114
    Radge Donator

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    Keep getting nuisance phone calls from some guy...a few nights ago he sang Prince Charming down the phone, the next night it was Stand and Deliver, when he phoned the next night I told him to stop phoning or I would call the police....but he was adamant.
    "I can't stress enough how important it is to be in possession of the football - it is better to be the matador rather than the bull"

    John Hughes

  15. #115
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    Groan........


  16. #116
    Easy Now Radge



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    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

    "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

    The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my $#@!ing fault!

  17. #117
    Baldy radge


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    My wife just asked me to stop singing Wonderwall!
    I said maybe

  18. #118
    Adult Radge weedgiehibbie's Avatar
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    I'll never forget my childhood summers, we would climb inside old tyres and roll down the hill.......
    They were goodyears

  19. #119
    Justified Radge



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    What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

    Usain Bolt can finish a race.




    ...too dodgy?


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'...

  20. #120
    Easy Now Radge



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    What do you call an alligator in a vest?












































































    An INVESTIGATOR!!!!!!!!!!


    Haha......LOLOLOLLLOLOLOLL.......Tee hee teeeheee....


    I've been laughing ma heid oaf tae that aw morning

  21. #121
    Radge Donator


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    Whats the difference between a ginger fanny & a cricket ball?

    If you try really hard..

    Really really hard..

    You can eat…

    A cricket ball.

  22. #122
    Easy Now Radge



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    I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where ! deny the existence of certain 80's bands.



    There is no cure.

  23. #123
    Spaktacuradge



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    I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, was a bit drunk so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer....

    I came 2nd.


    Fair amount of turbulence.
    Happythankyoumoreplease.

  24. #124
    radge grandad radge

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    Me and the missus are selling all our doggin gear. It's on eBay and although we have had no bids, we have 59 watchers


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  25. #125
    Easy Now Radge



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    Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.


    I can't believe the currant exchange rate.

  26. #126
    radge grandad radge

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    On ladder putting cinema poster up. Lady said 'Is King Kong Coming’ I said ‘No it’s just the paste off ma brush'

    No like me tae repeat a joke.


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  27. #127
    Coffee Shop Radge

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    Quote Originally Posted by hibbybilly View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    On ladder putting cinema poster up. Lady said 'Is King Kong Coming’ I said ‘No it’s just the paste off ma brush'

    No like me tae repeat a joke.
    Second coming then?
    Fúckin clubs are fúckin dull the fúckin pubs are fúckin full
    Of fúckin girls and fúckin guys with fúckin murder in their eyes

  28. #128
    Radge Private Member




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    Ma wee Grandson came home from his first day at school today,
    "What did you learn today wee man?" says I,
    "We learned writing " he replied,
    "What did you write son?" I enquired,




    He said ....... "Dunno! We don't learn reading till tomorrow "


    'A man will fight for many things, Glory, his country, the glistening tear on a childs cheek........

    But personally I'd mud wrestle my mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack full of French porn'

  29. #129
    Baldy radge


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    A man just drove past me in a tractor shouting the end of the world is nigh.

    Think it was Farmer geddon

  30. #130
    I Was There And Went Radge


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    Having a bit of a nightmare doing my Christmas shopping... ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.
    Seems like there's a hole in my dreams, or so it seems

  31. #131
    Adult Radge weedgiehibbie's Avatar
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    My new years resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants...

    Roll on 2017!

  32. #132
    Atlanta Hibs Radge


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    Quote Originally Posted by Sauzee's Teeth View Post
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    Having a bit of a nightmare doing my Christmas shopping... ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.
    I have no idea what that means

  33. #133
    radge grandad radge

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    Fork handles four candles.
    Got any O's?


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  34. #134
    A True Gadgie/Gadgess
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    NHS Or Private

    A lady from the local government was being shown around the local hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
    "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
    "Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..
    As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
    Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"
    The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he’s with BUPA

  35. #135
    A True Gadgie/Gadgess
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    Serena Willliams says if she doesn't win Wimbledon this year she's gonna quit tennis...................perhaps she could persue her acting career further....................
    ..........she was brilliant in the Green Mile!!!......

  36. #136
    Player Sponsor



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    Quote Originally Posted by Whitburn Hibee View Post
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    Serena Willliams says if she doesn't win Wimbledon this year she's gonna quit tennis...................perhaps she could persue her acting career further..............................she was brilliant in the Green Mile!!!......
    Gonna be kinda hard for her to win a tournament she isn't even playing in - she's about 7 months pregnant!!

  37. #137
    A True Gadgie/Gadgess
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wannabehibee View Post
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    Gonna be kinda hard for her to win a tournament she isn't even playing in - she's about 7 months pregnant!!
    Can tell I don't really follow tennis 😂

  38. #138
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    Quote Originally Posted by Whitburn Hibee View Post
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    Can tell I don't really follow tennis 😂
    😂😂👍🏻

  39. #139
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    Quote Originally Posted by Whitburn Hibee View Post
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    Serena Willliams says if she doesn't win Wimbledon this year she's gonna quit tennis...................perhaps she could persue her acting career further....................
    ..........she was brilliant in the Green Mile!!!......
    ....and Castaway....and Saving Private Ryan....and Sully, Miracle on the Hudson
    Game's rigged, why bother?

  40. #140
    radge grandad radge

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    Quote Originally Posted by Beagle View Post
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    ....and Castaway....and Saving Private Ryan....and Sully, Miracle on the Hudson
    And the fast and the furious?


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  41. #141
    A True Gadgie/Gadgess
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    With it being Halloween I went to a fancy dress shop to buy a Dracula costume. The girl offered me a Hearts shirt .....I said to her 'Sorry love I think you misheard, I said I want to look like a count'

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