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Thread: Jokes III

  1. #1
    Hibernian, Hibernian Ra Ra Radge



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    Jokes III

    I tried to find Jokes II but couldn't so here we go again.

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

    I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service
    They're gone, not here, forgotten
    The maroon brigade now cry
    The city is now Hibernian
    The team that would not die


    [© Daddy O'Hibee]



    If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself

  2. #2
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    Not a joke but a true story:

    Aboard a Peterhead fishing boat, Charlie the cook was busy trying to unblock the sink and had scooped the waste liquid into a cup. Just then, Eck the engineer walked in, parched after slaving in the engine room, and picked up the cup. "Perfect min, a cup o' tea. Jist fit the doctor ordered."

    "Ye canna drink 'at Eck, it's slops!" shouted Charlie.

    "Fcuk Slops" says Eck. "He can mak his ane fcukin tea."

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    Tim Vine?
    so what do I know

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    Easy Now Radge



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    After my wife finished sucking me off, I said, "You don't really love me, do you?"

    "I don't know what you mean?" She said, as she started packing up the hoover.

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    Spaktacuradge



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    What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?


    Virgin mobile.
    Happythankyoumoreplease.

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    What's yellow and green and melts in the mouth?

    A leper's $#@!
    Game's rigged, why bother?

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    A True Gadgie/Gadgess
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    Can someone please tell me if I've spelt 'misogynistic' right?

    A bloke, preferably.

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    Radge Private Member





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    OK I admit it.

    I wasn't at the game on Saturday, I was at a gunts wedding.

    It was a traditional gunt wedding ... where the main speech was given by the father of the bride and groom.
    Space to let

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    A German guy approaches a lady of the night. "I vish to buy sex viz you."
    "OK," says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour."

    "..ist goot, but I must varn, I am little kinky."

    "No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's place, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

    "I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees." The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

    "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

    "You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make the love to you." She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

    She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"

    "Ah," says the German, "zat is ze four-sprung Duck technique."

  10. #10
    Hibernian, Hibernian Ra Ra Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by timberfox View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    A German guy approaches a lady of the night. "I vish to buy sex viz you."
    "OK," says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour."

    "..ist goot, but I must varn, I am little kinky."

    "No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's place, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

    "I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees." The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

    "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

    "You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make the love to you." She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

    She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"

    "Ah," says the German, "zat is ze four-sprung Duck technique."
    Booooo Only joking, thats an oldie but worth repeating.


    That reminds me of the boy that hooked up with a german prostitute a good few years ago and after a bout of energetic sex he got up, put his clothes on and headed for the door.

    "What about my Marks" she shouted at him.

    "Oh sorry, 9 out of 10" he replied.
    They're gone, not here, forgotten
    The maroon brigade now cry
    The city is now Hibernian
    The team that would not die


    [© Daddy O'Hibee]



    If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself

  11. #11
    Hungry Radge



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    Paddy had broken his leg and his pal Mick went round to visit him at home. "How are ye, Paddy?" "Not too bad Mick but my feets is frozen so dey are. Would you be a pal and get me slippers from upstairs?"

    Mick heads upstairs and finds Paddy's twin 19 year old daughters lying naked on the bed. "What are you doing here?" they screamed. "Sure your Da sent me up to make love to you both." "Ach away with you" said one of them.

    Mick shouts downstairs "Did you say both of dem Paddy?"

    Paddy replies "Of course both of dem you eejit, there'd be no point in f*****g one!"

  12. #12
    Radge Private Member

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    Paki jokes next?

  13. #13
    Radge Private Member







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    Quote Originally Posted by egb_hibs View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Paki jokes next?
    Deary me......

  14. #14
    Hungry Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by egb_hibs View Post
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    Paki jokes next?
    Sure, go for it.

  15. #15
    Radge Private Member

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    Quote Originally Posted by MixuDave View Post
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    Deary me......
    Shirley you haven't contrived to get that 180 degrees the wrong way round?

    It was a response to irish jokes ffs

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by blue toon hibby View Post
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    Sure, go for it.
    not my scene blue nose hibby

  16. #16
    Hungry Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by egb_hibs View Post
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    Shirley you haven't contrived to get that 180 degrees the wrong way round?

    It was a response to irish jokes ffs

    - - - Updated - - -

    not my scene blue nose hibby
    Not mine either, particularly. I just like jokes.

  17. #17
    Radge Private Member

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    Quote Originally Posted by blue toon hibby View Post
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    Not mine either, particularly. I just like jokes.
    I'm doing this pc thing wrong aren't i? Can't win

  18. #18
    Hungry Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by egb_hibs View Post
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    I'm doing this pc thing wrong aren't i? Can't win
    I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.

  19. #19
    Baldy radge


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    Quote Originally Posted by egb_hibs View Post
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    I'm doing this pc thing wrong aren't i? Can't win
    Not if it stands for Palaverous Curmudgeon☺

  20. #20
    Easy Now Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by egb_hibs View Post
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    Paki jokes next?
    I went to visit Pakistan recently.


    He asked me to stop calling him that.






    Boo!

  21. #21
    radge grandad radge

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    Quote Originally Posted by beefy View Post
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    I went to visit Pakistan recently.


    He asked me to stop calling him that.






    Boo!
    I watched Indiana Jones yesterday, I was surprised to see that she isnae Indian and that she's 76 and crap at tennis now.




    booer!


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

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    Spaktacuradge



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    Quote Originally Posted by egb_hibs View Post
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    Paki jokes next?
    And here was me more bothered about the rapey, incest, daddy-pimping aspects.

    I am a total racist.
    Happythankyoumoreplease.

  23. #23
    Easy Now Radge



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    "Pick a card, any card you like," I said to my wife. "Make sure you memorise it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."

    "$#@! you Dave! It's our anniversary," she replied, before stomping out of 'hallmark'.

  24. #24
    Toddler Radge seanggtth's Avatar
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    My fisrt gorlfriend was a dolphin.
    Don't know what it was all about, but we just 'clicked'....

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by seanggtth View Post
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    My fisrt gorlfriend was a dolphin.
    Don't know what it was all about, but we just 'clicked'....
    Sorry about fat fingers

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by seanggtth View Post
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    My fisrt gorlfriend was a dolphin.
    Don't know what it was all about, but we just 'clicked'....

    - - - Updated - - -



    Sorry about fat fingers
    Nae need to apologise, and no need to call them 'fat fingers' either.
    Respect for anyone who can type wi fins at all!...
    Fúckin clubs are fúckin dull the fúckin pubs are fúckin full
    Of fúckin girls and fúckin guys with fúckin murder in their eyes

  26. #26
    Quite a bit past it radge






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    Quote Originally Posted by HaarlemShuffler View Post
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    Nae need to apologise, and no need to call them 'fat fingers' either.
    Respect for anyone who can type wi fins at all!...
    That post was without porpoise.

  27. #27
    Coffee Shop Radge

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sir Shrink View Post
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    That post was without porpoise.
    As it would be to cetacean dog to catch a blind cat?
    Fúckin clubs are fúckin dull the fúckin pubs are fúckin full
    Of fúckin girls and fúckin guys with fúckin murder in their eyes

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    Radge Private Member




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    A 5 year old boy and his 3 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing".

    The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

    "Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, $#@! mum. I don't know. I think I'll have some Cornflakes".

    WHACK! He flew out of his chair and then ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

    "I don't know" he blubbers, "but it sure won't be $#@!ing Cornflakes!"
    I started out with nothing and i`ve still got most of it left.




    " Without people, you`re nothing.." - Joe Strummer.

  29. #29
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    Two women talking after death

    1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

    2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

    1st woman : I Froze to Death.

    2nd woman : How Horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
    began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
    you?

    2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
    husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
    instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    1st woman: So, what happened?

    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
    searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
    and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
    be alive!

    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  30. #30
    Adult Radge weedgiehibbie's Avatar
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    What do you call a fat alien?

    An extra-cholesterol


    What's the definition of a happy transvestite?

    A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

  31. #31
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

    "Could you taste this for me, please?"

    The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

    "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

    "No, not at all," says the chemist.

    "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.

    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  32. #32
    Baby Radge
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    2 guys on a plane.

    Guy 1: Sniffles*
    Guy 2: Hey man, what's up?
    Guy 1: I just remembered my dad.
    Guy 2: Oh, what happened to him?
    Guy 1: He was a pilot and died in a plane crash.
    Guy 2: That's really sad. I'm sorry to hear that.
    Guy 1: He even left me a voice message before the plane crashed.
    Guy 2: What did it say?
    Guy 1: Allahu Akhbar.


  33. #33
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    Hearing that Sky TV have won the rights to the 2020 Origamy World Championships...unfortunately it's paper view
    "I can't stress enough how important it is to be in possession of the football - it is better to be the matador rather than the bull"

    John Hughes

  34. #34
    Toddler Radge
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    These are all great Jokes like. 😂

  35. #35
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    I was in hospital a wee while ago. Everything went OK but all I got to eat was haggis, neeps and tatties every meal.

    On my way out I asked the ward nurse why every meal was haggis, neeps and tatties.

    Oh, she said, we had to put you in the burns unit
    'Hard work beats talent every time when talent doesn't work hard.'

    John Hughes.

  36. #36
    Radge Donator

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    Keep getting nuisance phone-calls.... a few days ago this guy came on the phone and starting singing Stand and Deliver down the phone to me. A day later he was back on again and this time singing Prince Charming down the phone. I told him angrily and in no uncertain terms to stop phoning me but he was Adam ant.


    Ended up in hospital recently...every time I went to the TV room there was either a John Wayne cowboy movie on or a Roy Rodgers film. I asked one of the nurses why this was so and she just said to me "well sir, you are in the Western"
    "I can't stress enough how important it is to be in possession of the football - it is better to be the matador rather than the bull"

    John Hughes

  37. #37
    I Was There And Went Radge


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    What's ET short for?

    He's got wee legs.

    --

    I was dive-bombed by an insect earlier on, turns out it was a Jihadi Longlegs.
    Seems like there's a hole in my dreams, or so it seems

  38. #38
    Radge Private Member





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    A Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman walked into a bar.

    The barman said .....


























    Is this a joke?
    Space to let

  39. #39
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
    over his mouth and nose.

    A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
    bath.

    "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
    black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
    to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again,"Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"
    Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
    worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
    back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
    >and his testicles in the other Then, she takes a close look and says,
    There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
    closely......

    A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?


    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  40. #40
    radge grandad radge

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    Quote Originally Posted by NUTTY PROFESSOR View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
    over his mouth and nose.

    A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
    bath.

    "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
    black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
    to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again,"Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"
    Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
    worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
    back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
    >and his testicles in the other Then, she takes a close look and says,
    There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
    closely......

    A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?


    nicked!


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  41. #41
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    An elderly man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.? he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
    A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man gets an erection. She notices and comes over to him she says, It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." she lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    He continues to explore, He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The old man staggers back to the office and yells, "Here's my membership card keep the £250 membership fee." She says"You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
    The man replies, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times day."
    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  42. #42
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

    A small tree begins to grow between them.

    The beech says to the birch: Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
    
    The birch says he cannot tell.

    Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

    The birch says,

    Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

    Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
    
    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

    He replies: It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch

    It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!

    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  43. #43
    A True Gadgie/Gadgess
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    Quote Originally Posted by Indigo Wolf View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    2 guys on a plane.Guy 1: Sniffles*Guy 2: Hey man, what's up?Guy 1: I just remembered my dad.Guy 2: Oh, what happened to him?Guy 1: He was a pilot and died in a plane crash.Guy 2: That's really sad. I'm sorry to hear that.Guy 1: He even left me a voice message before the plane crashed. Guy 2: What did it say?Guy 1: Allahu Akhbar.
    Yasss 😂

  44. #44
    radge grandad radge

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    Was at the doctors today for a check up. He said "dont eat anything fatty", I said, "like chips or hamburgers?"
    He said "Naw I said dont eat ANYTHING Fatty"


    Think I might nip over to Gorgie Farm and count some Chickens before they've hatched

  45. #45
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

    "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

    The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel with a note.

    "Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part."

    Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to his bald head, so he writes an extremely rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel with a note inside.


    "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar@e and go as a toffee apple !!!!
    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  46. #46
    Radge Private Member





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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Englishman and an Irishman walked into a bar.

    The barman said .....


























    Is this a joke?
    The Englishman walks into the same bar. The barman asks "Where's the Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman?"

    "Still at the Rugby World Cup" he replies.
    Space to let

  47. #47
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

    We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
    We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

    'Mum...you still awake?'

    .........................................

    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
    eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out
    to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
    highly.'

    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
    of that flower you give to someone you love?
    You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
    'Do you mean a rose?'

    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
    kitchen and yelled,

    'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
    to last night?'

    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  48. #48
    Coffee Shop Radge

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    Rehab is for quitters.
    Fúckin clubs are fúckin dull the fúckin pubs are fúckin full
    Of fúckin girls and fúckin guys with fúckin murder in their eyes

  49. #49
    Hibernian, Hibernian Ra Ra Radge



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    Quote Originally Posted by HaarlemShuffler View Post
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Rehab is for quitters.
    They tried to make me go to rehab
    But I was quite adamant I wasnae goin'

    Could be a song in there
    They're gone, not here, forgotten
    The maroon brigade now cry
    The city is now Hibernian
    The team that would not die


    [© Daddy O'Hibee]



    If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself

  50. #50
    stark raving bonkers radge


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    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

    'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

    And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

    'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

    'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
    the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

    'You missed the ****in' putt, didn't you?

    Don't argue with an idiot; People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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