Brilliant! Football. Isn’t it? - Dr Shrink's season preview.....

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Dr Shrink's review of the coming season..............
The gloom and doom has left us, and now hovers over the Pink Bus Shelter.
We are in fine fettle, and look forward to winning the league, and both cups. We’ve already got the East of Scotland, so the Festival Cup as well should wrap it up!

Now that’s positive eh? No, that’s maybe a bit too far.
Here’s what will really happen, team by team.

Celtic



“Where’s yer Henrik gone (where’s yer Henrik gone); far far away………”

There’s only one thing on the minds of the Sellick fans.
“1967”
Yes. The Lisbon Lions. All born and bred within eight yards of Parkhead you know.
This season will be harder for the Lesser Greens, now lacking the big Swede, but they still have potential match winners in Hartson, Sutton Camara and of course the guy in black with the whistle. Sellicks tactics of running over the opposition (literally) have been so successful that Judas is now simply watching the Leprechaun and emulating his every move. Such as “a big clumsy ugly black centre-half to intimidate small skinny strikers.” Andrews being Bobo with a square rather than shaved, head.
Typically the idea was stolen from the Hibees Big Cilla was the very first version of a big clumsy ugly intimidating Black at centre half. The Leaping Oirishman is presently unsettled due to the tragic illness of his wife, and will undoubtedly be treated to a loosening of the purse strings in an attempt to keep him at the helm. The Prancer is totally, totally committed to the Hoopies. Until a better offer comes along.
Expect to see even more penalties this year to make up for the loss of Larsson.
Penalties, last minute goals and assorted refereeing decisions will result in another championship for the idols of the inbred.

Rangers



With the dire signings and poor tactics of last season, Judas has now realised that he is crap, and in a last ditch attempt to hold on to his job before the inevitable approach to manage the National side, he has decided to mimic the Soapies. The poor mans Bobo, **** Marvin Andrews literally didn’t kicked a ball for Livingston during his time there. Just headed it. It seems that he is keeping this up at the Hunnery, with his playing partner the semi-talented Ms. Boumsong reduced to shaking his head sadly at the hopeless religious zealot’s theatrical lunges and desperate heading attempts. However, the usual refereeing standards which allowed Gazza to elbow his way through Scottish football will surely allow Marvin to seriously hurt a few strikers without fear of penalty.
But what’s this! Not since the signing of (that) Catholic has there been such a shock over a Hun transfer.
Yes it’s quite true. Darren Anderton failed a medical at the Hunnery. Now how could that happen? Has he only got one leg? Is he deceased? Fallen off his perch etc? How many crocks and duds have limped up the marble staircase before handing in a doctor’s line and lazing about for a few months?
And why can’t we believe that Craig Moore “couldn’t agree terms” when it was really his (good enuff for Hunbrox) distinctly dodgy knee that prevented him joining Lorenzo and Bazza? Expect to see that Anderton “couldn’t agree terms” too.
The only other player in living memory to fail a medical at the Hunnery was of course……..John Hartson. Hmmm. Bloody quacks.

Will kick, punch and cheat their way to 2nd.

Hibs.



Season tickets down everywhere………………except here!
I don’t know why, I’ve had one for decades and renew without thinking. (Obviously. Or I would have chucked it years ago….) I only know one person who is buying this year, and didn’t have one last year. Not because of Williamson/Mowbray. Not because of SUABC. The inspirational and charismatic chairman Ken Thingy? No: because the smoking ban has been relaxed. Could this be the secret of increased attendances? Compulsory smoking? Or perhaps it is the feelgood factor after Boaby left. Mind you, the football may be better, but the pies are mince. Only barely.
This is a huge gamble for us with Big Tony, and last year’s youngsters, together with some newly signed ….er youngsters.
Like last season, I expect to be inspired and disappointed at different times. But I do expect the balance to be more favourable. Anyway, all those season ticket purchasers can’t be wrong can they!
Either 4th or 5th will be a good result, but I take Hibs to surprise them all (and possibly me too)

A deserved 3rd.

Hearts



Harry Potter has worked miracles at Swinecastle (Hogwarts? Swinecastle……do the similarities never end?) but can he keep the Merricks the best of the rest for a fourth season? The signing of Michael Stewart from Man U has been hailed as the snatch of the season already, but there are a few fannies at the PBS and it’s unfair to pick on just one at this stage. Unless it’s Gary McKay of course. Isn’t it nice that a bitter wee bigot like that has been identified as the “fans representative”. Although the Bounce has always believed him to be Hearts greatest fan eh! Other than the NF supporters of Section N surely the ordinary Jambo must cringe to be “represented” by such pondlife?
Sadly, I expect that Potter will continue to get the best out of some ordinary players, and he may well cling to an upper top 6 berth. This could be the most even season between the Edinburgh sides for some years. Might also be the last, unless a “surprise mystery bidder” appears to part the Pieman from his shares?
Potter has to be congratulated on focussing on football as the club creaks and disintegrates around his ears. Hopeless Hartley attempts to lighten the mood by claiming he is Scotland material, but even Bertie Vogts thinks that is too ridiculous to be amusing. Rod Petrie rubs salt in the wounds by offering Easter Road as a venue for Yoorup games, but JT’s prefer to go straiton past.
Will either finish up top 6, just, or just finish up.

A flukey 4th

Dunfermline


After having to ask the Directors to put their hands in their pockets to ensure the wages were there for the players, the Pars have been teetering on the brink of insolvency for some time. The Bank of Scotland was astonished to be informed of the “master stroke” to get the Club on an even keel. “We’ve hired Jim Leishman”
The wunch of bankers looked dazed….. “But what is his job? How will he bring in money?”
Apparently he is a legend. And that was that.
Craig Brewster turned down offers from two clubs, and three guys in The Laughing Duck, to pledge his (limited) future to the Pars. Made Steve “Oh unlucky” Crawford look almost accomplished, so don’t underestimate the aging gay icon.
Davy Hay will get them organised, but uninspired.
Look forward to more ill thought out outbursts from the puppet Chairman, John Yorkston (“Yorkie” to those who know him. Not because of his surname, just because he is pretty thick) He is being worked by Gavin Masterton, ex- managing director of the Bank of Scotland, (during the period that they lent huge sums to football teams!) and “brains” behind the troubled Stadia Investment Group
May scrape a top 6 finish, if the wages continue to get paid.

5th

Aberdeen



The Sheep are expecting a return to glory under Jimmy Dunderheid, the weatherbeaten (aye right Jimmy) wizard who dragged the Pars up to a respectable 4th position. The Dons job has driven others to drink, but Jimmy is unlikely to be concerned at the lack of cash available, having just left the financial chaos of Dunfermline behind. He has already contacted ex-Don and current Partick Joint Luvvie-in-Chief Derek Whyte to get some background on the sheepies, and the local tanning salons.
Aberdeen were so dire last year that even Bertie Vogts would be unable to lower the standard. Expect a flurry of attacking play, a few good humpings, and a return to mediocrity. Thanks to a collapse of the Dundeh Teams, will end up higher than merited.

6th

Motherwell



Motherwell have to be credited with one thing. They always have a go at the twisted sisters, especially at Fir Park.
Despite Butcher damaging our dressing room doors, and bleeding from the head at any excuse, I have a wee regard for the man. Unlike many ex-OF players, who seem to rubbish their present club and reminisce wistfully about the good old days when they were a bigot, Tel-Boy seems not to care a jot and genuinely enjoys stuffing both of the old squirm. Can’t say fairer than that eh?
Although almost guaranteed to take points from the OF, will struggle in other games, but grim determination will get them points where ability is not enough.
Not good enough for top six though.

7th

Dundee



The City of Discovery. The home of, jam, jute, journalism and Bartok.
And of course. The Marr brothers. The completely un-sinister and not scarey at all duo.
There may have been some misunderstanding in an earlier article I penned for the Bounce, which led some to think that there were criminal elements attached to the club. I withdraw all allegations unreservedly, which I didn’t make in the first place.. There are no known hoodlums, convicted drug dealers, or sex offenders employed at Dens. Never have been .My mistake.
Glad that’s been cleared up. Now for the horses blood on my pillow.
Duff Jimmy has lost a few of his better players” and will have his work cut out to keep his side away from relegation trouble. Yet another club in dire financial straits, but who isn’t. The White Mekon is a press favourite and was awarded the sympathy vote last season. However, now that it is apparent that all the clubs are skint, it’s really an even playing field again. Will be a struggle to hit top 6 for the Bluenoses of the East.

8th

Dundee United



Buying a keech club, hiring a yobbo manager, and the resultant careless spending by Ned McColl on a troop of under achievers can’t have done much to help the failing health of the ex-Grocer, who has now sold his chain of shops for around £30 million.
However, the Burberry Capped Ned need not expect much further cash to waste if he persists in a “secret bid” for ex-jambo and current laughing stock, Paul Ritchie..
His cheeky-boy antics and empty boasts are now apparent to all. Like the cold meats, crisps and packets of rubbery cheese in his Chairman’s old corner shops, his sell-by date has long passed.
Some redtops have quoted the ex-Grocer as claiming to “share some chemistry with the Manager”. No. That was “chemicals”, not “chemistry”. And they share a wee spoon too. For the coffee of course; what else?
A late collapse by other clubs saw the Arabs claw a top 6 place, but frankly without any merit.
Will settle into the bottom six, but probably scrapping for 8th position.

9th

Kilmarnock



The scowling, fat, ex- jambo now fondly remembers his part in the epic 0-7 game as one of his career highlights. Having managed to transform a moderately successful, if long-ball playing team he inherited from Boaby, into a crap long ball playing team, the crabbit coach realises that he has peaked. Peaked and hurtling to oblivion. ( A bit like his former club) Now suffering from terminal meldrewism, the ex-gorgie girner no longer has to zip his foreskin into his flies before interviews to ensure his puss remains sour. Much like the long-suffering Killie fans, he is unlikely to crack a smile again at Rugby Park. The quality pies at Kilmarnock, well known throughout the football world, have proved to be poison to the Club, attracting two gluttons in Williamson and Fattries, who have deprived fans of mountains of tasty but fattening fare. And entertainment.
May still be time to sign another couple of ex-jambo players if he hurries.
Third bottom seems about right.

10th

Livingston



Now that Dominic has almost been persuaded to hand over his toy, there are new faces all round. Ex-Jambo (and Willie Dunn hot-tip for a job at ER) Rimmer Preston has joined up with ex Clyde (and Willie Dunn hot-tip for a job at ER) Alan Kernaghan. An assortment of losers and has-beens has been rounded up to play for the fifty or so regular attenders. In a desperate bid to change the clubs image of being a branch of Sellickfootballclub, ex-hun Superally McCoist (apparently not tipped by Willie Dunn for a job at ER) has been approached to join the team. It seems his experience in wearing the Hearty Harry suit at the PBS on one occasion was so memorable that he is to be the new twunt in a Lion outfit “entertaining” the fans.
Having had their “five minutes of fame” in some Cup or other, expect the Lie-ins to wallow at the foot of the league. The only entertainment likely to be how long before Preston is exposed as yet another ex-jambo fud with no talent as a Manager.

Scrap for second bottom place.

11th

Inverness Caley



Blimey! Another ex-jambo,( who may or may not have been a Willie Dunn tip for the ER job,) managing a crap SPL side. Having elbowed the luvvies of Partick aside for SPL status, they will be forced to play their home games at the Stadium of Sheep. Never mind Robbo, it will only be for one season. Because you won’t be around for more.
No money, untried coach, untried players.
Almost certain relegation fodder, unless his erstwhile fellow Merrick takes the Lie-ins down first.

Bye bye Caley.

12th