A View From The Valleys....

[Seven Tattoos]

I watched the game in Dempsey's on Castle Street yesterday. It's where the South Wales CSC meet and has six signed and framed Celtic tops of various vintages adorning the walls. I'm quite friendly with a couple of them and have enjoyed watching their matches against hertz in recent times.

I'd been up all night after clubbing on the Saturday (won't bore you with the details but, suffice to say, the drought still hasn't ended and my penchant for little happy tablets was to blame again) and sat listening to The Strokes and drinking stella before ironing my Hibernian FC bottle green crew neck jumper and walking into town.

I was first in the boozer and grabbed a cheeky wee voddie lemonade and a decent seat opposite their big screen. Gradually the boozer filled up and hearing the harsh west coast tones in the Celtic bedecked environment made me feel like I was sitting in Kelly's at Cleland (Jimmy Egan's local and a stop-off for Zondervan, Hawthorn, WoWST, Moodz etc before Motherwell away days).

Just before kick-off a stocky Welsh guy walked in, wearing a Stone Island baseball cap and matching top and a Hibs tartan scarf, his son was with him, wearing the current replica Hibs away top. It was Ginger from Tongwynlais (he takes a Welsh flag to every City game, with CARDIFF CITY FC HIBERNIAN FC emblazoned on it) so at least I wasn't alone.

Hibs started brightly and when Ivan Sproule scored that raker I leapt around the front of the pub like an eplileptic banshee. One clown behind shouted 'he's offside' so I just shouted back 'he's ma favourite wee Orangeman'! Ooooooooooohhhhh, Celtic supporters are sensitive!

Into the second half and when Kevin Thomson scored that wonderful solo effort I was in raptures and, unfortunately, some of the Celtic fans started getting nippy. Comments like 'phuck the Hibs', 'who the phuck are Hibs anyway', 'we're top of 2 leagues', 'Hibs'll win phcuk all'. Typical phuckin' tims, they're your mates when you're beating hertz n Rangers but if you dare to beat them they really show themselves up for the bigoted, small-minded, petty little people they really are.

(As an aside, years ago at a Glasgow branch meeting Kevin and Ian were debating whether or not we hate Rangers more than Celtic as at least with huns they are brazen about their hatred for us. Celtic, on the other hand, treat us as their 'wee' team and really are just wolves in sheep's clothing. Many of their supporters also seem to know little of their club's history, particularly the circumstances of their inception.

Ian then told the story of how on the last day of the 1991-92 season - Sat May 2nd - Hibs won 2-1 at Parkheed which ensured hertz finished 2nd and therefore qualified for Europe at Celtic's expense. Ian, Kevin and the rest of the boys were in the Parky - a Celtic pub - and when Sportscene came on about 10ish the barman, a Celtic fan, wouldn't show it. One of the guys in Ian's company, a big St Mirren fan Ian had been to school with, asked why he wouldn't show it. The barman refused to answer. So Ian's pal (who was a bit pished) point blank asked him if he 'wouldnae show it cos Celtic got phucked'! The 4foot barman then tried to leap over the bar to have a go at someone who would've killed him!)

Ginger could see I wasnae happy with this and he told me to ignore them but there were a couple of guys in particular that were getting right on my tits. I wisnae gaunnae pointblank offer any kunt out but I amde a point of shouting 'phuck the Celtic' back every time some weegie kunt shouted 'phuck the Hibs'. One guy said 'calm down pal', I just phuckin' looked at him. Phuckin tell me to calm down ya radge.

I then was treated to the sight of these exiled tims leaping about after their two goals in five minutes and if the truth be telt I thought they were going to win the longer the match went on.

I was disapppointed with the draw, as, like the league derby, if you're two nothing up at home you really should hold on. Having said that, that's twice I've seen Hibs under Collins on the telly and we've definitely improved since Mowbray departed to the greener pastures of the West Midlands.

I thought Kevin Thomson in particular played a blinder. I cannot recall a better goal at that end of Easter Road since Latapy's one-two with Paatelainen which put us 6-1 up against hertz.

[Gunnerhibby]

Originally Posted by Seven Tattoos

I'd been up all night after clubbing on the Saturday (won't bore you with the details but, suffice to say, the drought still hasn't ended and my penchant for little happy tablets was to blame again) and sat listening to The Strokes and drinking stella before ironing my Hibernian FC bottle green crew neck jumper and walking into town.

ye'll remember texting me at 3 in the morning when I was in the Citrus Club then

[Seven Tattoos]

That was Friday when I texted you. Craven reckons you werenae in the Citrus though, he thinks you're on a wind-up!

[Gunnerhibby]

Originally Posted by Seven Tattoos

That was Friday when I texted you. Craven reckons you werenae in the Citrus though, he thinks you're on a wind-up!

Well he wisnae there, thats for sure, but there were a few David Essex look-a-likes tho'

Maybe he thinks that because I did'nt end up in the ERI the next day, which has been known.

Yearly freebie night out wae the guys I play fitbaw wae on a tuesday, we always end up in the Citrus.

[Seven Tattoos]

Colin, it's Embra's best club night. I like how they always have a wee mad half hour that solely consists of Sex Pistols, Specials, Buzzcocks etc. One of the barmaids is an absolutely minx as well, with a husky voice like Mariella Frostrup. But she's up her own arse and she knows it.

The tins of Red Stripe are nice though!

[Gunnerhibby]

Originally Posted by Seven Tattoos

Colin, it's Embra's best club night. I like how they always have a wee mad half hour that solely consists of Sex Pistols, Specials, Buzzcocks etc. One of the barmaids is an absolutely minx as well, with a husky voice like Mariella Frostrup. But she's up her own arse and she knows it.

The tins of Red Stripe are nice though!

Think I know the one you mean

Couple of "Sheila's" working there on friday, quite tasty.

It was Turbo-time for me

[Seven Tattoos]

Yeah, she dresses like a real hippy chick. Very funky student type gear. She's often outside smokin' a fag and flirting with the bouncers. As tidy burdz tend to do for some inexplicable reason.

This is possibly more a topic to be debated on the (Hairy) Pie Stand, but does The Female Of The Species actually think that males who work as doormen actually have:
(a) bigger boabies
(b) are likely to be better hunter/gatherer types
(c) will batter phuck out of any irritatin', daft wee kunt who annoys them
(d) are filthy rich
(e) have tongues like him from Kiss?

I hope the good doctor will be able to provide us all with a detailed psycho-analytical discourse on this, quoting Freud and other eminent psychologists.

[ELWisty]

I used to drink in Dempseys when I briefly lived in Caerdydd. Watched Celtic's Seville game there in fact. There were a couple of boys wearing tshirts that said SOUTH WALES BRIGADE on them and I told them they were fuds and my then boss had to step in to stop me getting battered. Happy days

[Louis Prima]

Originally Posted by Seven Tattoos

Yeah, she dresses like a real hippy chick. Very funky student type gear. She's often outside smokin' a fag and flirting with the bouncers. As tidy burdz tend to do for some inexplicable reason.

This is possibly more a topic to be debated on the (Hairy) Pie Stand, but does The Female Of The Species actually think that males who work as doormen actually have:
(a) bigger boabies
(b) are likely to be better hunter/gatherer types
(c) will batter phuck out of any irritatin', daft wee kunt who annoys them
(d) are filthy rich
(e) have tongues like him from Kiss?

I hope the good doctor will be able to provide us all with a detailed psycho-analytical discourse on this, quoting Freud and other eminent psychologists.

Not the good Dr but I happen to know one of these Doorman chappies and I can assure you of several things. Dunno if he has a big boaby but he plays 5s with us and has never had a shower yet- got to be something in that.
Hunter gatherer pleeeeeeeese the guy is basically incapable of holding down a job for any longer than 3 nanoseconds.
Dunno about battering anybody but he is surprisingly diplomatic and skilled at dealing with neds, probably has to be cos he is about 5 foot on his tip toes but he does weigh about 17 stone (pure blubber)
Filthy rich nope strike out there he has got about the same amount of debt as a small south american country.
Cant comment on the tongue as I have never ever felt the urge to snog him
and can i just add that he is as ugly as sin.

[hibbybrian]

Originally Posted by Louis Prima

Not the good Dr but I happen to know one of these Doorman chappies and I can assure you of several things. Dunno if he has a big boaby but he plays 5s with us and has never had a shower yet- got to be something in that.
Hunter gatherer pleeeeeeeese the guy is basically incapable of holding down a job for any longer than 3 nanoseconds.
Dunno about battering anybody but he is surprisingly diplomatic and skilled at dealing with neds, probably has to be cos he is about 5 foot on his tip toes but he does weigh about 17 stone (pure blubber)
Filthy rich nope strike out there he has got about the same amount of debt as a small south american country.
Cant comment on the tongue as I have never ever felt the urge to snog him
and can i just add that he is as ugly as sin.

for your sake I hope he doesn't post on the bounce

[Dr Shrink]

Originally Posted by Seven Tattoos

Yeah, she dresses like a real hippy chick. Very funky student type gear. She's often outside smokin' a fag and flirting with the bouncers. As tidy burdz tend to do for some inexplicable reason.

This is possibly more a topic to be debated on the (Hairy) Pie Stand, but does The Female Of The Species actually think that males who work as doormen actually have:
(a) bigger boabies
(b) are likely to be better hunter/gatherer types
(c) will batter phuck out of any irritatin', daft wee kunt who annoys them
(d) are filthy rich
(e) have tongues like him from Kiss?

I hope the good doctor will be able to provide us all with a detailed psycho-analytical discourse on this, quoting Freud and other eminent psychologists.

Some interesting points, although I think your original premise is flawed.

Some ‘tidy burdz’ may flirt with bouncers of the doorman variety, but only a very few.
On the other hand many many ‘tidy burdz’ will of course flirt with Hibee Bouncers: quite a different matter.


On the doorman points you make however, I offer the following comment.

(a) Whether doormen possess larger genitals than the average male is probably a matter of luck. It is a fact though, that 90% of doormen ARE big cocks.
(b) Better providers? Of ‘free passes’ or queue jumping facilities. Or maybe a light for a cigarette, but no actual cigarette. That’s about it.
(c) Mindless violence and Neanderthal behaviour is almost a prerequisite of the job. Battering innocent people is a perk of the job. I don’t think these traits will attract many women ….perhaps Lizzy Borden..
(d) They aren’t well paid. The hours are long and anti-social. The pay is low. For reasons to seek this line of employment see (c) above.
(e) Tongues. Doormen often ‘speak in tongues’. This is called “Glossolalia” and it is not known if these grunting utterances can be termed a real language, or just an example of the doorman attempting to start a fight with a clubber before beating them senseless for wearing trainers.
Incidentally, I too am acquainted with one of these creatures who bears a remarkable resemblance to the one described by Louis Prima.
Perhaps it is the same one.
My one answers to “Pugs”.

[Deeks Second Coming]

Originally Posted by Dr Shrink

Some interesting points, although I think your original premise is flawed.

Some ‘tidy burdz’ may flirt with bouncers of the doorman variety, but only a very few.
On the other hand many many ‘tidy burdz’ will of course flirt with Hibee Bouncers: quite a different matter.


On the doorman points you make however, I offer the following comment.

(a) Whether doormen possess larger genitals than the average male is probably a matter of luck. It is a fact though, that 90% of doormen ARE big cocks.
(b) Better providers? Of ‘free passes’ or queue jumping facilities. Or maybe a light for a cigarette, but no actual cigarette. That’s about it.
(c) Mindless violence and Neanderthal behaviour is almost a prerequisite of the job. Battering innocent people is a perk of the job. I don’t think these traits will attract many women ….perhaps Lizzy Borden..
(d) They aren’t well paid. The hours are long and anti-social. The pay is low. For reasons to seek this line of employment see (c) above.
(e) Tongues. Doormen often ‘speak in tongues’. This is called “Glossolalia” and it is not known if these grunting utterances can be termed a real language, or just an example of the doorman attempting to start a fight with a clubber before beating them senseless for wearing trainers.
Incidentally, I too am acquainted with one of these creatures who bears a remarkable resemblance to the one described by Louis Prima.
Perhaps it is the same one.
My one answers to “Pugs”.

Soooooooperb Doctor........

[Louis Prima]

Originally Posted by Dr Shrink

Some interesting points, although I think your original premise is flawed.

Some ‘tidy burdz’ may flirt with bouncers of the doorman variety, but only a very few.
On the other hand many many ‘tidy burdz’ will of course flirt with Hibee Bouncers: quite a different matter.


On the doorman points you make however, I offer the following comment.

(a) Whether doormen possess larger genitals than the average male is probably a matter of luck. It is a fact though, that 90% of doormen ARE big cocks.
(b) Better providers? Of ‘free passes’ or queue jumping facilities. Or maybe a light for a cigarette, but no actual cigarette. That’s about it.
(c) Mindless violence and Neanderthal behaviour is almost a prerequisite of the job. Battering innocent people is a perk of the job. I don’t think these traits will attract many women ….perhaps Lizzy Borden..
(d) They aren’t well paid. The hours are long and anti-social. The pay is low. For reasons to seek this line of employment see (c) above.
(e) Tongues. Doormen often ‘speak in tongues’. This is called “Glossolalia” and it is not known if these grunting utterances can be termed a real language, or just an example of the doorman attempting to start a fight with a clubber before beating them senseless for wearing trainers.
Incidentally, I too am acquainted with one of these creatures who bears a remarkable resemblance to the one described by Louis Prima.
Perhaps it is the same one.
My one answers to “Pugs”.

Shockerooony the very felly. he doesn't however answer very well. If you say things like get the beer in Pugs, selective deafness occurs. If however he initiates the conversation you can be assured of three opening gambits
(1) yegoatafag?
(2) anychansiasub?
(3) gonygeezalift
Still a surprisingly likeable chap if for no other reason he has an admirable disdain of Ebeneezer of East Calder