hertz - the 'BIG' team?

[Seven Tattoos]

I don't live in Edinburgh any more, but I used to and I still pop up frequently enough and, invariably, bump into some Jambo acquaintances of mine. Most of them, it has to be said, are alright, they just support their team, however, one or two are grade A vulvas who delude themselves about their club's significance. They believe in this myth that 'hertz are a big team' in the way that a five year old believes in Santa Claus. As I've mentioned on another post, otherwise intelligent, bright, articulate individuals believe that the Pied Piper is some kind of Robert Owen. Sad, deluded muppets.

Anyway, let's consider the proposition 'Heart of Midlothian Football Club: Are They Big, Or Is It Just Another Stool From The Sphincter of Jambo Delusion?' as if it were, say, a higher history essay (I used to be a history teacher, many moons ago). I'm going to write my answer as if I were a nervous spotty seventeen year old virgin again (oh, but i'm sh!te wi burdz, no had my lemon sole since October!) and I'd like everyone else to do the same.

When considering the proposition are HMFC a 'big' club (or is it just another stool from the sphincter of jambo delusion) it is necessary initially to define both what a 'big' club is, i.e. the traits you would associate with a truly magnificent institution of sporting excellence and, also, what exactly a 'stool from the sphincter of jambo delusion' is.

In terms of objectivity a 'big' football club is a club that not only is located in a major conurbation, such as Edinburgh, but also has the support of a majority of the football going public of that town and attracts, in droves, supporters from other villages, towns and cities in the land. When you consider that only last season the skates' average attendane of approximately 13,400 was actually less than that of their nearest local rivals, Hibernian FC of Leith, a team that the hertz support like to mock as the 'wee team', then this would suggest that HMFC are not as 'big' a club as they like to think they are.

Also, when you remember that both major Glasgow clubs, actual 'big' teams, i.e. Rangers and Celtic attract literally thousands of season ticket holders from Edinburgh and its environs, and have club stores located in Auld Reekie's expensive city centre (neither hertz nor that wee team fi Leith do) then this begs the question why do these people give their money to Glasgow clubs when there is such a big, significant team on their doorstep?

Another crucial factor in a football club's 'bigness' is of course sporting success on the pitch. Any team that is 'big' surely collects trophies like a philatelist collects stamps? Let us assess hertz record for trophies since the early 60s (I accept that hertz had a period of success in the late 50s but when you remember that that two bit team of ex-cons and junkies near Lochend won three titles and were Britain's European pioneers at the same time then I think you'll agree that the 50s don't really count); since 1960 hertz have won four trophies. Yes, a veritable fab four for the Gorgie boys! The league cup in 1962, the Scottish Cup in 1998 and don't let's forget the two Tennent's Sixes campaigns of 1985 and 1991.

Success in football, as in life, is relative so how does this glut of trophies compare with hertz major rivals? Unfortunately I didn't bring my calculator today (this is the history higher, not the Maths one) so I can't work out how many prizes either of Rangers and Celtic have won during that timescale. Suffice to say it's more than four.

What of the other lesser fry that the supercilious hertz support rightly disparage? What of them? Well, Aberdeen won twelve domestic trophies and a European one. So that makes thirteen. They also, in 1986 (a year of significance for hertz supporters for some reason, the author of this essay is baffled as to why, I mean, it's not as if they won anything that year!) succeeded hertz as Tennents Sixes Champions, beating St Mirren 3-0 in a classic final.

What of the other sides? Well, that small side in green from the east of Edinburgh have won three trophies over the same period, if you include 1990's Tennent's Sixes. In fact, four if you include 2002's Soccer Masters for the over-35s, when they actually beat hertz 3-2 in a section game. So Hibs (an admittedly 'wee' team) have actually won as many trophies as hertz since 1960! Surely then hertz are 'wee' too?

Having established that hertz are not actually 'big' because of the reasons cited above (not very large crowds, infrequent trophy success compared with four other clubs in Scotland in the modern era - Dundee Utd have won four proper trophies since 1960) it is now imperative to define 'another stool from the sphincter of Jambo delusion'. Clearly, the usage of the terms 'stool' and 'sphincter' are crucial here; they are not being used literally (however, the aroma that pervades Tynecastle has more than a hint of effluence to it), they are being used as metaphors as, in colloquial terms, most unbiased observes would describe the assertion that hertz are 'big' as a 'bigpileaekeech'.

Why is it a 'bigpileaekeech'? Let's consider the various ignominies that have befell hertz over the last 46 years: they have gone into the last day of the season in pole position to win the title twice (in 1965 and 1986) and on both occasions it's ended in tears. They have conceded seven goals at home twice (Dundee won 7-1 during the 64-65 season and the wee team defeated them 7-0 in what was then known as a local derby in 1973). They were relegated three times in five years (1977, 1979 and 1981), the last time it took them two attemps top regain their 'rightful' place in Scotland's elite. They have regularly been knocked out of cups by lower league opposition (Forfar 1981, Montrose 1986, Airdrie 1991).

What of Europe? Is that a 'bigpileaekeech' as well? When you consider that, most recently, they couldn't even play their home European games at their matchbox, pink bus shelter of a theatre of stools, but, instead, had to hold their matches at a rugby stadium nearby I think that provides conclusive proof that hertz are 'big' only when their supporters have one hand on their John Thomases and one on a box of Kleenex.

To conclude, the writer of this disagrees with the assertion that hertz are a 'big' team and contends that it really is just another stool from the sphincter of Jambo delusion.

[Quagmire]

i hate to say it, but they are a bigger team than us, no matter what you look at it

doesn't mean they're better people, though!

[hibadelic]

Originally Posted by Quagmire

i hate to say it, but they are a bigger team than us, no matter what you look at it

doesn't mean they're better people, though!

They've got a slightly bigger support, same size but not as good stadium and much bigger debts. Hardly makes them significantly "bigger" than us.

The Jambos obession with size points one thing IMO.

[Smurf]

Originally Posted by Quagmire

i hate to say it, but they are a bigger team than us, no matter what you look at it

doesn't mean they're better people, though!

Can you please give examples of this?

[egb_hibs]

there are two big teams in scotland; celtic and rangers.

the rest is a debate amongst plankton, as two sharks circle amongst us.

[Purple & Green]

I agree with hibadelic. I'm confused as to why scummers are sooooo obsessed with size.

[bumblebee]

Originally Posted by Bobby S

I agree with hibadelic. I'm confused as to why scummers are sooooo obsessed with size.

Perhaps it's insecurity?

[Mapleleaf Hibee]

Size does matter, just ask Linda Lovlace or John Holmes or Paul Hartley because that is why he signed for Hearts because someone told him " Some of the biggest pricks in Scotland play at Tynecastle"

[Smurf]

Originally Posted by egb_hibs

there are two big teams in scotland; celtic and rangers.

Not two big football teams though.

Two big fat and ugly sectarian organisations, thirsty for more blood from intolerance and bigotry, who masquerade as football teams..

[bumblebee]

Originally Posted by Smurf

Not two big football teams though.

Two big fat and ugly sectarian organisations, thirsty for more blood from intolerance and bigotry, who masquerade as football teams..

and Hearts aspire to be like that too!!

If that's your aspirations jambos then you are welcome to them!!

[edmund]

Originally Posted by Seven Tattoos

I don't live in Edinburgh any more, but I used to and I still pop up frequently enough and, invariably, bump into some Jambo acquaintances of mine. Most of them, it has to be said, are alright, they just support their team, however, one or two are grade A vulvas who delude themselves about their club's significance. They believe in this myth that 'hertz are a big team' in the way that a five year old believes in Santa Claus. As I've mentioned on another post, otherwise intelligent, bright, articulate individuals believe that the Pied Piper is some kind of Robert Owen. Sad, deluded muppets.

Anyway, let's consider the proposition 'Heart of Midlothian Football Club: Are They Big, Or Is It Just Another Stool From The Sphincter of Jambo Delusion?' as if it were, say, a higher history essay (I used to be a history teacher, many moons ago). I'm going to write my answer as if I were a nervous spotty seventeen year old virgin again (oh, but i'm sh!te wi burdz, no had my lemon sole since October!) and I'd like everyone else to do the same.

When considering the proposition are HMFC a 'big' club (or is it just another stool from the sphincter of jambo delusion) it is necessary initially to define both what a 'big' club is, i.e. the traits you would associate with a truly magnificent institution of sporting excellence and, also, what exactly a 'stool from the sphincter of jambo delusion' is.

In terms of objectivity a 'big' football club is a club that not only is located in a major conurbation, such as Edinburgh, but also has the support of a majority of the football going public of that town and attracts, in droves, supporters from other villages, towns and cities in the land. When you consider that only last season the skates' average attendane of approximately 13,400 was actually less than that of their nearest local rivals, Hibernian FC of Leith, a team that the hertz support like to mock as the 'wee team', then this would suggest that HMFC are not as 'big' a club as they like to think they are.

Also, when you remember that both major Glasgow clubs, actual 'big' teams, i.e. Rangers and Celtic attract literally thousands of season ticket holders from Edinburgh and its environs, and have club stores located in Auld Reekie's expensive city centre (neither hertz nor that wee team fi Leith do) then this begs the question why do these people give their money to Glasgow clubs when there is such a big, significant team on their doorstep?

Another crucial factor in a football club's 'bigness' is of course sporting success on the pitch. Any team that is 'big' surely collects trophies like a philatelist collects stamps? Let us assess hertz record for trophies since the early 60s (I accept that hertz had a period of success in the late 50s but when you remember that that two bit team of ex-cons and junkies near Lochend won three titles and were Britain's European pioneers at the same time then I think you'll agree that the 50s don't really count); since 1960 hertz have won four trophies. Yes, a veritable fab four for the Gorgie boys! The league cup in 1962, the Scottish Cup in 1998 and don't let's forget the two Tennent's Sixes campaigns of 1985 and 1991.

Success in football, as in life, is relative so how does this glut of trophies compare with hertz major rivals? Unfortunately I didn't bring my calculator today (this is the history higher, not the Maths one) so I can't work out how many prizes either of Rangers and Celtic have won during that timescale. Suffice to say it's more than four.

What of the other lesser fry that the supercilious hertz support rightly disparage? What of them? Well, Aberdeen won twelve domestic trophies and a European one. So that makes thirteen. They also, in 1986 (a year of significance for hertz supporters for some reason, the author of this essay is baffled as to why, I mean, it's not as if they won anything that year!) succeeded hertz as Tennents Sixes Champions, beating St Mirren 3-0 in a classic final.

What of the other sides? Well, that small side in green from the east of Edinburgh have won three trophies over the same period, if you include 1990's Tennent's Sixes. In fact, four if you include 2002's Soccer Masters for the over-35s, when they actually beat hertz 3-2 in a section game. So Hibs (an admittedly 'wee' team) have actually won as many trophies as hertz since 1960! Surely then hertz are 'wee' too?

Having established that hertz are not actually 'big' because of the reasons cited above (not very large crowds, infrequent trophy success compared with four other clubs in Scotland in the modern era - Dundee Utd have won four proper trophies since 1960) it is now imperative to define 'another stool from the sphincter of Jambo delusion'. Clearly, the usage of the terms 'stool' and 'sphincter' are crucial here; they are not being used literally (however, the aroma that pervades Tynecastle has more than a hint of effluence to it), they are being used as metaphors as, in colloquial terms, most unbiased observes would describe the assertion that hertz are 'big' as a 'bigpileaekeech'.

Why is it a 'bigpileaekeech'? Let's consider the various ignominies that have befell hertz over the last 46 years: they have gone into the last day of the season in pole position to win the title twice (in 1965 and 1986) and on both occasions it's ended in tears. They have conceded seven goals at home twice (Dundee won 7-1 during the 64-65 season and the wee team defeated them 7-0 in what was then known as a local derby in 1973). They were relegated three times in five years (1977, 1979 and 1981), the last time it took them two attemps top regain their 'rightful' place in Scotland's elite. They have regularly been knocked out of cups by lower league opposition (Forfar 1981, Montrose 1986, Airdrie 1991).

What of Europe? Is that a 'bigpileaekeech' as well? When you consider that, most recently, they couldn't even play their home European games at their matchbox, pink bus shelter of a theatre of stools, but, instead, had to hold their matches at a rugby stadium nearby I think that provides conclusive proof that hertz are 'big' only when their supporters have one hand on their John Thomases and one on a box of Kleenex.

To conclude, the writer of this disagrees with the assertion that hertz are a 'big' team and contends that it really is just another stool from the sphincter of Jambo delusion.

Champions league=BIG
Inter-toto =WEE

Simple really

[egb_hibs]

Originally Posted by edmund

Champions league=BIG
Inter-toto =WEE

Simple really

[bumblebee]

Originally Posted by edmund

Champions league=BIG
Inter-toto =WEE

Simple really

Champions League?? You're havin' a

[Seven Tattoos]

Oooooooohhh, Edmund Maroonbladder! Back for some more internet jousting with us lesser 'Hobos' (where the phuck does that come from byt the way? neither am I enamoured with 'yam')?

How long did it take you to mentally formulate that rapier sharp riposte?

Do you really believe that one season in the Champions League (cos were it not for the points gained when you were 'Burley's Bufties' as opposed to 'Romanov's Rentboys' no way would you be in contention for second) makes you a 'big' team? Firstly, you have yet to secure that position and, after two successive draws and the fact a defeat would leave them open to accusations of throwing the game, Celtic are likely to be the second team in green to put you to the sword in nine days.

Secondly, it is not certain that we'll be particpating in the
Inter Toto. We lost to them only a couple of weeks ago but three points at the SSBs on Saturday and 4th place is virtually ours. Do you really think that in a winner takes all showdown at The Lodge on the last day of the season that hertz would secure the necessary result? Do you? No, take your heed out the gluebag before you answer that question?

Face facts: hertz are a bigger club than Hibs and therefore bigger than any other club in Scotland, with two very obvious exceptions. However, due to the lop-sided nature of the Scottish league that really means very little.

A club whose trophy tally since the early 60s will equal its relegation figure on 13/05/06 thinks that the possibility of runners-up spot this year makes them big? I'm gonnae have to change ma incontinence knickers cos I'm literally pishin masel laughin at your ludicrous, pathetic, short-memory, short-sighted, deluded argument.

hertz aren't even a Gulliver in the Scottish game. That's left to the Weegie Terrorists (despite their latest PR exercise, I'd be interested to know how many hospital admissions there were in the west of scotland yesterday).

If hertz are a big team then anorexia can be equated with obesity.

[Hampden_Hibby]

Originally Posted by Seven Tattoos

since 1960 hertz have won four trophies. Yes, a veritable fab four for the Gorgie boys! The league cup in 1962, the Scottish Cup in 1998 and don't let's forget the two Tennent's Sixes campaigns of 1985 and 1991.

What of the other sides? Well, that small side in green from the east of Edinburgh have won three trophies over the same period, if you include 1990's Tennent's Sixes. In fact, four if you include 2002's Soccer Masters for the over-35s, when they actually beat hertz 3-2 in a section game. So Hibs (an admittedly 'wee' team) have actually won as many trophies as hertz since 1960! Surely then hertz are 'wee' too?

Can't count the masters - not actually won by Hibernian FC, the club.

Leaving aside Tennent's Sixes which is fitba for lassies here's the count since 1962...

Hearts

League Cup 1962
League Cup Finalist 1997
Scottish Cup 1998
Scottish Cup Finalists 1968, 1976, 1986, 1996

Hibs

Summer Cup Winners 1964
League Cup 1972 & 1991
League Cup Finalists 1969, 1974, 1985, 1993, 2003
Scottish Cup Finalists 1972, 1979, 2001
Drybrough Cup Winners 1972, 1973

Hearts 2 Cups
Hibs 5 Cups

Hearts 7 finals
Hibs 13 finals

I think the most telling statistic of all is for all their spending and crowing and headlines and a succession of 'world class' managers - they've still only won 3 more league games than Hibs this season!

[berwickhibee]

still cant agree with them being the bigger team yes this season as they were challenging for the league,but what about last season??? hibs had the bigger average gate and dont forget hearts spawned a lot of glory hunters in the 80`s who thought they could support the league winners hibs have never had that as we were shite in the 80`s.Hearts are the same as aberdeen as in that they have held onto some of the fans from the 80`s. they at present are watching internationals and going for qualification for the champions league thats why their crowds are good,but lets go back to even last year when we were both at home in the scottish cup and our crowds v brechin and st mirren blew their crowds out of the water and remember numerous derby games at ER,with hearts selling 1500 tickets,coz they knew we were going to hump them,6-2 etc and trying to say the tickets are too dear well they dont seem to be too dear now do they?? lets try and remember the last time we failed to sell our end at tynie in the league,even though we were expecting defeats,no it hasnt happened since the new tynie was built,there lies the difference we will turn up and support our team regardless of what the result might be,we wont shit ourselves and come out with poor excuses for not going.Put it this way if hearts had our record in the premier league,often finishing bottom half etc and fighting relegation no chance would they have had the support we have managed to hold onto,now scumbos remember"be very careful what u wish for" no hearts in gorgie

[Smurf]

How many of their Season Ticket holders are in heavily subsidised seats..

Well done Firework Phil..

Oh my Counter Sue's..

[Moodz]

Anyway, let's consider the proposition 'Heart of Midlothian Football Club: Are They Big, Or Is It Just Another Stool From The Sphincter of Jambo Delusion?' as if it were, say, a higher history essay (I used to be a history teacher, many moons ago). I'm going to write my answer as if I were a nervous spotty seventeen year old virgin again (oh, but i'm sh!te wi burdz, no had my lemon sole since October!) and I'd like everyone else to do the same.


I wrote an essay in reply but the dog ate it.

[Dr.Gonzo]

Originally Posted by Smurf

How many of their Season Ticket holders are in heavily subsidised seats..

Well done Firework Phil..

A point I was thinking about on Saturday. Will be interesting to see how many of them stay when Romanov rockets the prices now he's booted the pyrotechnic one

[mr hibs fan]

Originally Posted by Dr.Gonzo

A point I was thinking about on Saturday. Will be interesting to see how many of them stay when Romanov rockets the prices now he's booted the pyrotechnic one

Are they not playing away from there next year as well.... only 18months after Romanov saved them from having to move!

Whats the betting the minute he gets the developers in to redo the main stand and has brought it to the ground, he decides to walk.... and since it's resembling a building site, what do you reckon will be built....